All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can break a rubber band in half

Chuck Norris recently did the ice-bucket challenge. And naturally, it turned to steam before it could hit him.

Chuck Norris glows black in the dark

Rambo is actually just a cheap Chinese knock-off of Chuck Norris.

The Iraq war is over because the US sent Chuck Norris to Iraq

Thanksgiving was fist celebrated by the Pilgrims near Plymouth Rock in 1621 because they were thankful that Chuck Norris wasn't there to kick thier ass.

Chuck Norris like to go for a nap outside during all of his flights.

Chuck Norris won every leg of the Tour de France by pedaling a unicycle backwards so he could view the face of every second place finisher.

Before he became Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby beluga whale into puberty.

Chuck Norris only agreed to be in 'The Expendables 2' so he could have the chance to sit all his co-stars in a darkened room and show them a DVD of him banging all their respective wives, and offer pointers to them.

Only snails and garden slugs produce more lovemaking slime than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered egg fu yung, a banana split and a frappuccino at the local KFC and got it along with a complementary platter of lobster thermidor.

Chuck Norris went to the super bowl with only himself.

Chuck Norris' dartboard, which he has played with since childhood, is in mint condition with only a single hole in the exact centre.

Elon Musk dreams of colonizing Mars. Chuck Norris already has a ranch there. The Martians pay him rent.

Chuck Norris' apache name is Chuck Norris.

A decendant of Chuck Norris taught the Klingons how to fight. Chuck Norris found out about it last week & is pleased.

Trees bend because they're trying to get away from Chuck Norris. No matter how hard they try, they just can't get away due to his awesomeness.

Chuck Norris often goes to the zoo to spank the monkey.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to say NO to drugs.....They don't ask

All of the athletes caught using steroids were in fact injecting themselves with a drop of Chuck Norris piss!

Sadly, Chuck Norris was hit in a crosswalk by a classic old Mack Truck. Chuck was fine, the Classic old Mack was towed to a junkyard.

DOTA: 1st kill- First Blood 2nd kill- Double Kill 3rd kill- Triple Kill 4th kill- Monster Kill 5th kill- god-like 6th kill- Beyond god-like 7th kill- Chuck Norris-like

On the morning of July 30, 1975, Jimmy Hoffa scratched Chuck Norris' truck. Hoffa vanished later that day. Let this be a lesson for all.

In a new western movie his fellow actors ride horses. Chuck Norris rides a Velociraptor. Bareback.

Chuck Norris can take selfies of other people

Chuck Norris sells his dingleberries as breath mints in England, France, China & North Korea.

Chuck Norris can compare apples to oranges... they're both fruits.

Chuck Norris never asks you to 'step outside', he actually wants as many people to witness your brutal slaughter as possible.

Chuck Norris can lick his elbows, at the same time...

Chuck Norris' jetpack has a drink holder.

Chuck Norris ran around the earth 21 times when he ran out of beef stroganoff.

Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a cotton field in Mississippi instantly creating the first Levis factory as well as adorning his torso with a sleeveless denim vest

Adobe Flash runs on Chuck Norris' iPhone.

Life is like a box of chocolates until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you.

Chuck Norris eats haggis just for the fun.

Chuck Norris once farted while he was in New Orleans which caused 300,000 lemmings to become suicidal cliff jumpers.

Chuck Norris' Blackberry is a blackberry.

If you play the theme from Walker: Texas Ranger backwards, the universe will implode. That's why Chuck Norris once recommended that nobody ever do that, in his intimidating baritone.

Chuck Norris stopped a speeding bullet by telling it to.

Bruce the bad assed bouncer at Planet Hollywood mouthed off to Chuck Norris and now known simply known as the guy who bounced off Chucks fist.

Chuck Norris invented oatmeal when he round house kicked a quaker.

When Chuck Norris kills yo mamma don't cry he was just telling her he likes her sweater in karate

Chuck Norris writes documents with unintentionally blank pages.

Chuck Norris tried Professional Wrestling years ago under the name "Big Time". His opponents immediately re-named him "Death Penalty".

Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar. The bar promptly exploded as no one place in the known universe can hold that level of awesome.

Santa Claus believes in Chuck Norris.

Scientists warn about the AI singularity — the moment machines become smarter than humans. Chuck Norris calls that 'Tuesday.'

Chuck Norris riverdanced on Michael Flatley's face.

If you don't make these jokes funny, Chuck Norris will run all the way around the world in a millasecond and roundhouse kick you in the face!

Chuck Norris can repaint the mona lisa with no paint.

Chuck Norris went to the bottom of the bottomless pit, he was so pissed there was a bottom, he roundhouse kicked it and now it truly is bottomless

The pressure at the Earth's deepest point is more than 1000 times the normal atmospheric force, or about 1 tenth of the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris' earlobes can roundhouse kick your face through the back of your skull.

Chuck Norris discovered dark rings around Uranus. No, not the planet.

There is a huge marthon with 300 of the fastest people in the world.Do you know who was the fastest and has already won? You guessed it,Chuck Norris

There is no Zool. Only Chuck Norris.

Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once won on the TV reality show, Top Chef, by microwaving a corncob.

When Bruce Banner gets mad,he turns into the Hulk.When Chuck Norris gets mad,the Hulk turns and runs.

Chuck Norris' cut his own ambilical cord. (;

Chuck Norris had a razor named after him, made by Gillette for women. He is the best a woman can get.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade which killed 50 people...then it exlpoded.

When the Bible said God made man in his own image, it did not mean all men. Just Chuck Norris.

If you accidentally sit in Chuck Norris' seat at the opera, expect to have a clarinet jammed up your ass by intermission.

Chuck Norris use to eat clowns but they taste funny.

A Klondike bar would do anything for Chuck Norris.

If I had a nickel for every Chuck Norris joke out there...

Chuck Norris drinks a special protein shake made entirely from blended chimpanzee brains.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the air around him and it bleeds wind.

Chuck Norris' ringtone is considered a weapon of mass destruction.

Chuck Norris is a man of his word. Every contract he signs, he signs in blood....Your Blood for doubting his word

Chuck Norris dosemt tell yo mama jokes, yo mama tells Chuck Norris JOKES

The Earth does not revolve around the sun...this is because the sun revolves around Chuck Norris, who lives on Earth

Chuck Norris dosen't sing in the rain. Chuck Norris sings in Category 5 tornado and hurricanes.

Chuck Norris was recently bitten by a vampire. After a couple drops of Chucks blood, the vampire screamed and burst into flames.

A Chuck Norris fact a day keeps his roundhouse kicks away.

On NCIS, when Gibbs wants your attention he gives you a head slap. When Chuck Norris wants your attention, he gives you a skull punch.

Senses come to their Chuck Norris.

All of Chuck Norris' limbs act as natural particle accelerators.

Brokeback Mountain isn't just a movie, it's also a pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris's backyard.

A UFO tried to abduct Chuck Norris once. When the aliens woke up three hours later, they had no memory of what had happened, but did find that their watches had stopped and their asses were really sore...

Chuck Norris can shove a CD in his mouth and music will come out his ears.

If Chuck Norris starts a Twerk flash mob in Syria the government of Syria would surrender.

Chuck Norris didn't like this joke, so he deleted it by roundhouse kicking it.

Chuck Norris doesn't "style" his hair, it lays down out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris always wins at "Battleship." No one has the guts to even fire a shot.

Chuck Norris is the only man ever to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

They stoped making Chuck Norris movies because you don't watch Chuck Norris he watches you

Chuck Norris came, he saw, he conquered--in reverse order.

Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can rhyme 'orange' with 'lozenge'.

Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.

Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.

Chuck Norris made the Big Bang when he was in space. The way he did it is by just clapping so hard that it made a "Big bang". Get it?

Many a class 5 Oklahoma tornado were started when Chuck Norris was preparing to lasso a steer.

Bloody Mary is afraid of saying Chuck Norris three times in the mirror

Chuck Norris isn't the man he used to be. He's even better.

Chuck Norris made up these jokes because he wants the public to be informed.