All Chuck Norris Facts

Just one dollop of Chuck Norris' elbow grease can keep your car lubricated for up to fourteen years.

Chuck Norris officially announced today that he is in fact permantly retiring...your face from public view.

Chuck Norris can kill Liberty Prime in one hit with a BB Gun.

Chuck Norris and his toothbrush can take on a guy wielding a crowbar. And win.

Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can get a quadruple-word score at Scrabble.

Chuck Norris ate the fat bastard who ate all the pies.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer:To get on Chuck Norris's good side.

Freddy thought he was the true nightmare until he met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked and from that day Freddy hides in fear thinking a nightmare in texas

Chuck Norris had a Doctor that suggested he needed to eat tofu instead of red meat. Chuck immediately suggested the Doctor needed to have the teeth slapped out of his mouth.

Chuck Norris cleans his toilet with a backhoe and a WeedEater.

In honor of Earth Day, Chuck Norris threw a massive BBQ and kegger in the middle of the Amazon rain forest.

Mike wants to be like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris didn't have plush animals when he was a kid. He had guns to sleep with.

Chuck Norris trained his pet mountain lions to nurse baby sheep and later fed them back to the mountain lions thus perpetuating mountain lion existence.

Chuck Norris is the reason why you don't see Total Gyms being sold in garage sales

I fought the law and................Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris can go to places that say "Do Not Enter"

Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.

The Revolution will be televised on Chuck Norris's television.

Jesus wears a WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do) bracelet.

Chuck Norris can rear-end the car he's driving.

If Chuck norris punched the earth it wouldnt shatter it would create a black black hole and only let the the people live that he deemed worthy

In fact John of Saw doesn't play a game with people for fun, he was just doing what is mentioned in Chuck Norris biggest game to save his ass.

Chuck Norris's main method of preventing universe-shattering paradoxes consists of kicking people in the face.

Isac Newton discovered gravity because Chuck Norris chucked an apple in his face from the moon.

Chuck Norris once wrote..."I will personally roundhouse kick anybody in the face that missplells words!"

If you want to know if something is funny, just ask Chuck Norris. If he laughs, it's funny. If he doesn't, prepare to die, because you wasted his time.

When Chuck Norris Runs the Earth Spins Faster

Chuck Norris bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds on the dollar menu for 2 dollars. He then proceeded to round house kick the cashier

Some people look for religion, religion looks for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has been awarded the coveted 3 Michelin Star rating for plating a saucer of microwaved instant grits.

When speaking in public about his multitude of lifetime accomplishments, Chuck Norris always appropriately refers to himself in the fourth-person.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy.

Chuck Norris can beat you at a staring contest with his eyes closed

Chuck Norris' pager is still cool

Solid Snake has a beard because Chuck Norris bit his chin an it became a fist

Chuck Norris can us an abucus to solve differential calculus equations.

The rock band Queen wrote the song "We will rock you" about Chuck Norris fists.

Chuck Norris paints his house once a year with a human head.

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him eat Tequila jello shots.

Chuck Norris views the Ironman Triathlon as "a nice cool-down."

Another way to explain a Chuck Norris Round House Kick to the face is "de-materializing."

Chuck Norris endorsed Blue-Ray.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you in the head, his foot will actually go through your skin, skull and brain, then reappear out the other side. This is not magic, this is power. And if you survive, that would be magic.

Chuck Norris is never surprised he is the surprise

Chuck Norris dosent need a cell phone if he talks you better listen.

Chuck Norris can pluck out individual Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms from a water molecule.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck Is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can play slide guitar with a beer bottle. Or, failing that, your face.

Chuck Norris can write Haiku poetry in Hexadecimal without need for Binary Interface tables.

Chuck Norris taught Prometheus how to wipe his ass.

One day a boy seen Chuck Norris do some amazing things. He seen Chuck Norris grow metal claws from his knuckles, Shoot webs from his wrist, Turn green and huge, And have the number 4 on his chest. That boys name is Stan Lee

For most people, anger is simply a state of mind... For Chuck Norris, it is state-of-the-art.

Israel has a top secret Chuck Norris option.

Chuck Norris has over 600 miles of black belts in his home.

The crew in Apollo 13 could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they had used "Chuck Norris, please help us" instead of "Houston, we have a problem".

Chuck Norris once mistook your grandma with being a ninja. She is now 50 billion light years in space.

Chuck Norris can make a barbeque.Under water!

Superman's cape is made from Chuck Norris' chest hair.

Hercules is the strongest man in the world but he lost a game of mercy to Chuck Norris.

It can look like chicken, taste like chicken, and feel like chicken, but if Chuck Norris says it's beef...it's beef. NO QUESTIONS!!!

When Chuck Norris air-guitars, you can actually hear the real sound of a Gibson Les Paul coming from his air guitar.

Chuck Norris once took a crap on a crap table.. and won nine million dollars.

Chuck Norris interned for a glue company during his creche-school going days. During that course he invented the dark matter that holds the universe together.

Chuck Norris almost turned down a cameo in the movie 'dodgeball' on the grounds that he doesn't dodge balls.. He prefers them resting on his chin.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Upon meeting Chuck Norris, the first thing that strikes you is his sheer natural awesomeness - shortly before his boot strikes your face. Don't stare at Chuck.

The A-Team originally was to have only 1 member: Chuck Norris. But when NBC couldn't meet Chuck's salary demands, they had to replace him with the quartet of B.A., Face, Hannibal and Murdock.

Thank God Chuck Norris finally caught up with Joan Rivers.

Chuck Norris invented bifocals so people could get a good, clear close-up look of the fine detail of his snake skin boots a mere nanosecond prior to facial impact.

Chuck Norris only had one dime and rubbed it together.

Faces of Death is actually a biography of people that were given a choice other than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can understand Charlie Sheen.

Chuck Norris once stold a can of beer, pissed in it and sold it for a buck.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes life apologize.

Those who play chess with Chuck Norris don't "play" chess, they gamble with their lives.

What killed off the dinosaurs, go ask Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed the Earl of Sandwich and ate the fillets between two loaves of bread.

Chuck Norris once watched the video tape from the ring...........7 days later the ghost who crawls out of the well died.

Some people say that it is impossible go through through walls.... they have never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris has some gold, frankincense, and myrrh sitting on his mantelpiece, next to the three embalmed skulls of the so-called 'wise' men.

Google is named after the number of Kilograms Chuck Norris can benchpress.

People have often asked the United States, "What is your secret weapon against terrorists?" We simply reply, "Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris Plus your mom equals you

The Terminator wears a Chuck Norris tee shirt. .

If you Google search Chuck Norris and misspell it, it dosen't say "did you mean..." instead it says "run while you still have the chance"

Chuck Norris can get into a pissing match with a flamethrower and win.

The reason Charlie Sheen is winning, is because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires, but he really likes gigantic toasted marshmallows.

When Chuck Norris touches a cactus , he doesn't get prickled. The cactus gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won American idol using only sign language.

Sticks and stones MAY break your bones, but with Chuck Norris it's a sure thing.

The 1951 UFO sighting was actually a man hole cover kicked by Chuck Norris.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is pretty much the same: inexpressibly awesome.

When Chuck Norris first laid eyes on you, you were already dead

Chuck Norris un-invented the Parabolic Hemorrhoid Disruptor which is why we have never heard of it before.

The Japanese surrendered in 1945 not because of the atomic bomb, but because they heard Chuck Norris was about to be unleashed upon them.

Attila the Hun soiled his pants when he heard that Chuck Norris was on sabbatical in the next village to be conquered.

Surely there are aliens in the universe, but guess why they don't come to earth? Chuck Norris does not allow them to.