All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can headbutt himself in the face.

Tesla has Ludicrous Mode for insane acceleration. Chuck Norris has Roundhouse Mode. There are no survivors.

Chuck Norris' left buttocks can bench press 537 pounds while his right buttocks picks his nose.

If you see Chuck Norris at a picnic, beware: Chuck Norris can decapitate anyone at any time with a flying paper plate.

Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris doesn't fly, gravity collapses around him.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this fact.

Chuck Norris' beautiful singing voice can make tanks break down.

By the time you see Chuck Norris in your rearview mirror, he's already kicked you in the face and is 10 car lengths ahead of you.

After downing a quart of Chivas Regal, Chuck Norris' turds look & smell like a steaming pile of freshly boiled Haggis.

Chuck Norris once stayed at the Hotel California and was allowed to check out...and leave.

Chuck Norris shotgunned a baker and a candlestick maker's heads off into a bathtub.

Chuck Norris doesnt clean house the house cleans him

Chuck Norris makes the speed of light wish it was faster.

If you play Stairway to heaven backwards you hear a satanic message. If you play the theme song to Walker,Texas Ranger backwards you hear Chuck Norris kicking the Devils ass.

Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.

Pictures are said to be worth a thousand words. Pictures of Chuck Norris are worth 10,000 words.

How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? Don't ask Chuck Norris, he was considered a man by age four.

Chuck Norris never flushes. When he sits, the toilet gulps in fear.

If Princess Leia was really smart, she would have said, "Help me Chuck Norris, you're my only hope."

Chuck Norris is the only person to whom God has said," I did not know that!"

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris once finished a round of golf at 72 under par.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago; however, death doesn't have guts to tell him.

Chuck Norris can read the top 10 Chuck Norris facts... Without even slightly grinning.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana and then defecated a gainomax recovery drink package...that is how gainomax is made

Chuck Norris has decided to start taking Square Dance lessons. He's tired of tap dancing on peoples faces.

The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' passport is his face.

Chuck Norris is just like you he puts his pants on one leg at a time exept when he does it he fights north Koreans

Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.

Both sides of Chuck Norris' bed are the wrong sides.

In the morning, Chuck Norris eats specially formulated Cheerios made of cement.

Chuck Norris does not walk dogs, his cats do.

Chuck Norris can eat or drink anything without a single stop while doing roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris always finds the G-spot.

Chuck Norris once woke up one morning thinking he was in the process of strangling a 1,200 pound walrus but then very quickly realized that he was actually masterbating.

Chuck Norris invented happiness when he spared a mans life, when the man told his family, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the jaw thus ending the man and adding another hair to Chuck's beard!

Ever wonder why your wife thinks your inadequate? Answer: Chuck Norris!

When Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving and surfaces too fast he gets the straights.

If the Dos Equis guy were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume. If Chuck Norris were to pat you on the back, you would die.

In order to sleep, Chuck Norris has to roundhouse kick himself in the face approximately 754 times. Even then, he still tosses and turns a little.

Chuck Norris changed the law of BODMAS to ROUNDHOUSE

Chuck Norris' last birthday party was held at the La Brea Tar Pits where he enjoyed all of the party games and easily won the 'dunking for dinosaurs' event.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist says "I KILL YOU!". Chuck Norris kills you without telling you anything.

Chuck Norris can inflate a truck tire by blowing into the stem.

If you ask Chuck Norris how to be famous, he will show you. You will regain conciousness with a crowd around you.

Some people thought the Loch Ness Monster was a plesiosaur, others an eel. Chuck Norris thought it tasted like chicken.

Chuck Norris can drive an aircraft carrier by himself.

Chuck Norris writes all the lyrics for Cannibal Corpse. And are all based on personal experiences.

The Internet was invented by Chuck Norris so that he could deliver roundhouse kicks worldwide from the comfort of his own home.

Chuck Norris does not have red hair.... The color red is now known as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' Chihuahua, Pickles, had to be placed in quarantine after she chewed up Rocco, the neighbors Pit bull.

Chuck Norris froths his cappuccino with mountain gorilla milk.

Chuck Norris staged the moon landing in his back garden

Chuck Norris has proven we are alone in the universe. We eren't before his first space expidition.

Somebody was lighting up a Marley just as Chuck Norris cut a fart aboard the Hindenburg.

Chuck Norris once appeared on Cartoon Network. CN is now known as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can arm wrestle with both hands tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, But death is too afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris shaves with a belt sander

Most people need a lighter when they burn down a forest. Chuck Norris only needs his ass and his lazer vision.

When Chuck Norris tells you to blow it out your ass, you'd better at least attempt it.

Jay z has 99 problems but Chuck Norris has none

Chuck Norris smokes cigars while scuba-diving.

Chuck Norris changed his name to jesus christ to avoid the pauperize

Chuck Norris doesn't eat ice cream. He eats U scream.

Chuck Norris won the Origami Championship in 1983...folding a rock

Chuck Norris can kill a man with only a beard stroke.

Chuck Norris doesn't get hangovers. He just gets pissed.

The snooze button on Chuck Norris' alarm sets back time two hours

Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people

Chuck Norris wasn't born, he was ejected from a volcano

Mike Tyson knocked out Larry Holmes. Big deal. Chuck Norris knocked out a Buick.

Chuck Norris has a full-size tattoo of his face...on his face.

When Chuck Norris hears a Tsunami warning, he gets out his surfboard

Chuck Norris can literally turn your ass into grass.

When Chuck Norris became a Texas Ranger, the state was able to save millions by laying off the rest of their police force.

Chuck Norris has never eaten Hamburger Helper because Chuck Norris has never needed help. NEVER

Chuck Norris exercises on two treadmills running in opposite directions

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you over the internet. Even if your computer is turned off. Or you don't have one.

The reason why Chuck Norris is such a badass is he thought all the yo momma jokes were written about his mother.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemon's he makes orange juice

It is rumored that when Chuck Norris jerks off, it makes other people go blind.

Chuck Norris can sleep standing up...while laying down......awake.

why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET AWAY FROM CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris drinks his martini stirred, not shaken

Chuck Norris volunteers at the hospital, he pulls the plugs

Q:how many Chuck Norris's does it take to screw in a lightbulb A:none the lightbulb dosent want to be alone in the dark with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can play chopsticks on the piano by using only one of his three tesicles.

Christiano Ronaldo is only good at soccer for one reason.Chuck Norris taught him how to roundhouse the ball.

Chuck Norris can block a punch with his face

Chuck Norris taught a cat to play fetch

The real reason the Titanic sank was because Chuck Norris want to get off and go for a swim.

Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of gum is Tarantula.

By some odd reason,Chuck Norris is everywhere.That means he can be roundhouse kicking you,and jesus at the same time.

The Grim Reaper recently started having nightmares. In his dream, the Reaper looks in his bathroom mirror and sees Chuck Norris right behind him.

Chuck Norris' sombrero is over fifteen feet in diameter.

Mr T once beat Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, In retalation, Chuck Norris invented racism

Miley Cyrus wanted a romantic relationship with Chuck Norris but in the end, she just wasn't able twerk things out with him.