🥋 General Facts

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Upon meeting Chuck Norris, the first thing that strikes you is his sheer natural awesomeness - shortly before his boot strikes your face. Don't stare at Chuck.

The A-Team originally was to have only 1 member: Chuck Norris. But when NBC couldn't meet Chuck's salary demands, they had to replace him with the quartet of B.A., Face, Hannibal and Murdock.

Thank God Chuck Norris finally caught up with Joan Rivers.

Chuck Norris invented bifocals so people could get a good, clear close-up look of the fine detail of his snake skin boots a mere nanosecond prior to facial impact.

Chuck Norris only had one dime and rubbed it together.

Faces of Death is actually a biography of people that were given a choice other than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can understand Charlie Sheen.

Chuck Norris once stold a can of beer, pissed in it and sold it for a buck.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes life apologize.

Those who play chess with Chuck Norris don't "play" chess, they gamble with their lives.

What killed off the dinosaurs, go ask Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed the Earl of Sandwich and ate the fillets between two loaves of bread.

Chuck Norris once watched the video tape from the ring...........7 days later the ghost who crawls out of the well died.

Some people say that it is impossible go through through walls.... they have never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris has some gold, frankincense, and myrrh sitting on his mantelpiece, next to the three embalmed skulls of the so-called 'wise' men.

Google is named after the number of Kilograms Chuck Norris can benchpress.

People have often asked the United States, "What is your secret weapon against terrorists?" We simply reply, "Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris Plus your mom equals you

The Terminator wears a Chuck Norris tee shirt. .

If you Google search Chuck Norris and misspell it, it dosen't say "did you mean..." instead it says "run while you still have the chance"

Chuck Norris can get into a pissing match with a flamethrower and win.

The reason Charlie Sheen is winning, is because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires, but he really likes gigantic toasted marshmallows.

When Chuck Norris touches a cactus , he doesn't get prickled. The cactus gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won American idol using only sign language.

Sticks and stones MAY break your bones, but with Chuck Norris it's a sure thing.

The 1951 UFO sighting was actually a man hole cover kicked by Chuck Norris.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is pretty much the same: inexpressibly awesome.

When Chuck Norris first laid eyes on you, you were already dead

Chuck Norris un-invented the Parabolic Hemorrhoid Disruptor which is why we have never heard of it before.

The Japanese surrendered in 1945 not because of the atomic bomb, but because they heard Chuck Norris was about to be unleashed upon them.

Attila the Hun soiled his pants when he heard that Chuck Norris was on sabbatical in the next village to be conquered.

Surely there are aliens in the universe, but guess why they don't come to earth? Chuck Norris does not allow them to.

Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas both witnessed Chuck Norris survive a nuclear explosion in an ice box.

Chuck Norris is who the lead singer of The Divynals thinks about when she touches herself.

Chuck Norris choked Kim Jong-Il to death with some spicy cabbage.

Chuck Norris' scrotem smells like a potpourri sachet.

As a child, 6 year old Chuck Norris would walk 17 miles to the zoo on misty summer mornings just to suddenly wake-up a few silverback Mountain Gorillas in order to have something to play with.

When Chuck Norris sleeps, time stops.

Chuck Norris' childhood asthma allowed him to breathe underwater.

Chuck Norris is the reason why babies cry.

Chuck Norris' beard has a Twitter account, a Myspace page, and a bestselling biography by Mick Wall. A HBO miniseries is currently in the works.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in its chin. Its decendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris knows more about propaganda then Noam Chomsky.

Chuck Norris can mine obsidian with a wooden pickaxe. In Minecraft.

Knock...Knock. "Who's there?" (Door crashes into room, building collapses, mushroom cloud) "Chuck Norris."

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tree. Chuck Norris is worth six hundred and sixty-six trillion dollars and the Budweiser brewery.

Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife. "Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning. That's how tough his beard is.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If Chuck Norris says to you "Truth or dare?", he's not playing the game...

Chuck Norris flosses with piano wire.

Kryptonite is actually a piece of Chuck Norris's nose booger

Great minds think alike, false. Great minds think like Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris puts the G in G-spot.

No...Chuck Norris does not like Kumquats but he does like to Kum-in-quats.

Chuck Norris can ignore the call of nature for 36 hours, but he can never ignore the call of duty.

What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? This is a trick question, for there can never be two of Chuck Norris.

Tim Tebow prays to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is sometimes looks so black, that when he jumps in a swimming pool it looks like an oil spill.

Pac-Man was based on Chuck Norris. They both eat souls.

Roundhoused kicked by Chuck Norris... Life ruined forever.

Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris called himself Walker because he doesn't need to run.

Chuck Norris participated in the 2005 home run derby, he has yet to receive the "Golden Ball".

Chuck Norris is the greatest matador who ever lived.

None of the world's greatest chess grandmasters will any longer play against Chuck Norris because he always Checkmates them on his first move.

Chuck Norris is a bulldozer with a beard.

If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed.

always capitalize Chuck Norris's name. always.

Chuck Norris is faster than Lightning.

Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad

Chuck Norris ordered some sushi in a Chinese restaurant and got one.

When smokey the bear comes up on tv saying "only you can prevent wildfires" most people don't see Chuck Norris in the background. To bad for those people.

If you sneeze on Chuck Norris, He'll sneeze at you back. Which will blow you away.

Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.

If you somehow survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, you'd still go to jail for head butting his foot.

Many people do not realize that Chuck Norris has been a bouncer for many, many years. EVERY guy that's ever mouthed off to Chuck has had his face bounced off the asphalt.

Chuck Norris is credited for carrying Hannibal's elephants across the Alps.

An elderly man accidentally let his Buick roll into Chuck Norris' new Lexus. Chuck was furious and got violent. Chuck punched out the Buick.

When you die you don't go to heaven, you go to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris despises the color yellow, and can stand it for only about 12 hours at a time. Which is why the sun hides daily.

Chuck Norris doesn't name his kids, he numbers them.

Chuck Norris' beard is what protects us from the sun's destructive ionizing radiation.

Chuck Norris can teach his teachings to teach better.

Chuck Norris rickrolls Rick Astley.

The only thing scarier than a black hole is a Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris look in the mirror, even his reflection runs off.

Chuck Norris doesn't take life for granted - he just takes lives.

Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once shoved a watermelon up Gallagher's nose. Then shattered it with a flying roundhouse kick. Thus, proving that Gallagher is scatter-brained.

When Chuck Norris was in high school he was the star of his debate team. It was quite a feat for someone whose rebuttal was always; "no".

Chuck Norris is never late, NEVER.

how do you put out a forest fire? you have Chuck Norris fart on it.

Jason didn't drown Chuck Norris pulled him under

Chuck Norris can sky dive from the ground into the plane.

Converse were originally called Chuck Norris...not Chuck Taylor.

Chuck Norris' tongue is actually an atypical proboscis which he has adapted to absorb the last few drops of liquid & foam from the bottom of his beer cans.