All Chuck Norris Facts

CHUCK NORRIS CAN CUT THE PERFECT SLICE OF CAKE WITHOUT MESSING A SINGLE CRUMB, USING ONLY A BASEBALL BAT.

bir is just a high velocity Chuck Norris spit

the movie "dont mess with zohan" is based on the true story of Chuck Norris' life

Chuck Norris recently won the World Horseshoe Pitching Tournament while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.

Once Chuck Norris actually tried on one of his roundhouse kicks. This was also the start of World war 1 and the aftershock of the beginning of World war 2

the only time Chuck Norris will cry is in 2012, when he's not the one killing everybody.

If Chuck Norris only had one leg, it would be called Hopper: Texas Ranger.

Gatsby was merely adequate before he got Chuck Norris' approval.

Chuck Norris just returned home this morning from a martial arts demonstration in Yemen.

Chuck Norris goes on a daily walk to the moon!

Chuck Norris once pitched a perfect game against the Chicago Cubs without throwing any strikes.

"Fear is the sustenance that need not be chewed." -Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris never uses parachutes when he skydives out of airplanes because they only slow him down.

The universe is always expanding at a faster and faster rate, that's because it's running away Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats volcanoes for breakfast, and farts hurricanes while he sleeps.

Chuck Norris was originally going to be in Cowboys VS Aliens, but the movie would have been over in about 3 minutes and 7 seconds.

Chuck Norris is the best cop ever. Why? He can roundhouse-kick criminals straight to jail.

Chuck Norris recently hired himself as his new major-domo.

If you dare to look at Chuck Norris' snakeskin boots, you will get a case of bleeding hemorrhoids before kicks them up your ass.

Chuck Norris's wife had a baby,he did all the breast feeding!

Chuck lives forever - You really want to know what happened to the dinosaurs? One of them made fun of Chuck Norris's 'stache.

Chuck Norris dosn't rock and roll; rock and roll Chucks Noris'

Chuck Norris puts out forest fires with his piss, while singing I make it rain

Chuck Norris pee's napalm and craps C4

Chuck Norris is such a badass he even asked Santa for a bag of coal for Christmas.

Chuck Norris wears green on St. Patricks day. Noone dares pinch him

There's three poles in the world. The North Pole, The South Pole, and Chuck Norris' Pole

Hammertime does not stop Chuck Norris

they say Santa comes once a yer Chuck Norris comes twice a year

Q: What's the difference between 1) Facebook people, phone messages, and consumer fads and 2) Chuck Norris's fist? A: You can block the first 3!

if i get five good things Chuck Norris will do a roundhouse kick and kick justin bibers ass

Chuck Norris doesnt believe in religion, religion believes in Chuck Norris

Satan has a ultimate weapon to try to destroy Chuck Norris. But sadly, it worked. But then Chuck Norris revived himself and kicked Satan's ass.

Chuck Norris don't know you from a bar of soap. However, he can easily murder you with one.

Chuck Norris understands the lyrics to "Louie Louie."

The Thousand Islands used to be one big island, but then Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick smashed it into pieces.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows...both...at the same time

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

If Chuck Norris is decapitated by a boat propeller, which happens more often than most people think, he can regrow his own limbs.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

Jimi Hendrix played a guitar. Chuck Norris played Jimi Hendrix

Chuck Norris once shot down a Russian MIG in an aerial dogfight. Chuck was flying in a hot air ballon.

Chuck Norris can surf the net on his abacus

When Chuck Norris watches Dora the Explora, Dora doesn't ask any questions.

Chuck Norris finished in first and second place in the New York Marathon. He lapped the field once.

Chuck Norris doesn't die: he just takes five minute breaks.

Chuck Norris fixes the suspension on his Hummer when he limbo dances under it

Chuck Norris always carries Pepper Spray.......In case he feels like some sweets.

The upcoming debut album by the Chuck Norris Experience is expected to become the highest-selling album of all time.

Chuck Norris contacted Smallpox. It made him sniffle and it evolved into Ebola. So he blew his nose while on vacation in Liberia.

The World's Most Interesting Man worships Chuck Norris.

Why does Chuck Norris lower your blood pressure? Because he's a beater blocker

Chuck Norris is tougher than the speed of light.

Chuck Norris' wife was hospitalized after she misunderstood when he told her to go to Cox's Department Store to buy him a seersucker suit. Instead, she went to Sears and bought him a cocksucker suit.

In America, Chuck Norris can beat you up. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris can beat you up.

Chuck Norris once threw a cigarette butt out of his car window while passing through the Sahara Rainforest.

Chuck Norris never runs, the ground down him that moves itself...

Chuck Norris stapled two liquids together

Electronic microscope pictures of the Y chromosome are just tiny photos of Chuck Norris

To be the person who Chuck Norris is right now, he never learned from his failures because he never commits failure but success.

The dinosaurs didn't go extinct Chuck Norris scared them out of existence.

Chuck Norris Rounhouse kicked Voldemort now he has n nose

A man walks up to Chuck Norris and ask for a lite...May he rest in peace.

There are two sides to every issue: Chuck Norris's side and the wrong side.

Chuck Norris does not fly coach OR first class. He travels by transcontinental flying sidekick.

The reason Link can't speak is because he got a roundhouse kick in the throat by an unidentified bearded man "Scientists believe him to be Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Google doesn't search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

All professional sports teams pay Chuck Norris Not to play--saves money on body bags and funeral arrangements.

Chuck Norris doesn't wish on shooting stars. He doesn't need handouts.

Chuck Norris customised his iPod so that it now doubles as a cattle prod. It's his iProd.

Chuck Norris owns several very successful funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.

Chuck Norris smokes razor-sharp blunts.

Chuck Norris eat Pain for breakfast

Chuck Norris can eat a Big Mac with his lips tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris eats chili peppers to cool down his mouth

Once Freddy Kreuger went to Texas, Chuck Norris appeared in his nightmares

Chuck Norris once ate a full bottle of sleeping pills...they made him blink

Chuck Norris brushes his face and washes his teeth

On Chuck Norris's birthday, one lucky child is chosen to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris shot an Eagle on the 14th hole at Pebble Beach. It was a Bald Eagle and died with a smile on it's beak.

Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't feel your pain... he causes it

Chuck Norris can easily read your mind, by simply shooting you in the face and examining the wall behind you.

Ironicaly, Chuck Norris lives in a round house.

Michelle Obama twerks only for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 100 people it then exploded

Chuck Norris' first name is The.

Chuck Norris is all about that roundhouse kick, bout that roundhouse kick. No punches.

God help any Chuck Norris impersonator

When Chuck Norris dies, the world will end.

when you split an atom, inside it says OWNED BY CHUCK NORRIS

If you ever make the mistake of confessing to Chuck Norris that you are a vegetarian, prepare to be immediately smothered to death by a slab of fresh veal.

Fighting Chuck Norris is the one thing Meatloaf won't do for love.

Chuck Norris was once turned loose in a china shop.

When Chuck Norris goes to jail playing Monopoly, by the time he gives the bank $50 for bail, etc; his battleship has already murdered ten other inmates.

Chuck Norris tears the divider out.

Chuck Norris never asks if you are talking to him.

Albert Einstein showed that E = mc2. Chuck Norris proved it by splitting an atom through fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't need portals in the video game Portal.