All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris' face is on the One Billion Dollar Bill, which only he owns.

Chuck Norris can touch a bottomless pit

As the old saying goes, You can't make an omelette without Chuck Norris cracking a few human skulls. Because basically he does that all the time.

Chuck Norris lives each day like it's your last.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Tesla's self-driving mode has driven millions of miles without an accident. Chuck Norris has driven millions of miles without a car.

Women line up just for the thrill of giving Chuck Norris a hickey on his hemorrhoids.

Chuck Norris isn't really a Texas Ranger, although mentioning such blasphamy in a bar setting will undoubtably start a riot. I highly recomend trying it out if you have balls 1/8th the size of Chuck's.

Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Snort. When Snort heard Chuck was going to ride him, he went to his veterinarian, got castrated and changed his name to Daisy.

Every Tuesday morning Chuck Norris goes crawling the whole of the Internet with his friends Googlebot and Slurpy.

Chuck Norris can eviscerate a moose with his toenails.

there is no theory of evolution, just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live

Chuck Norris does not floss his teeth, he merely clenches them and blows out real hard in bursts for a minute. The resulting Chuck Norris teeth-product is collected and used as fertilizer by farmers in Taiwan.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can be a badass while riding a moped.

There is a common misconception among Star Wars fans. Chuck Norris shot first, not Han Solo.

Chuck Norris killed "Digger" his toenail fungus character by simply ripping his toenails out on one leisurely Sunday afternoon.

Once Chuck Norris played Scary Maze, when he met the scary ghost, she broke out the screen and escaped.

Chuck Norris isn't American... he is America.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Chuck Norris can destroy it in 2 hours.

Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on his pet alligator. He milks her every morning and uses it to foam his morning lattes.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth the New York Public library, packed floor-to-ceiling with 10,000-page micro-print encyclopedias.

The Chuck Norris classic 'Delta Force' is so manly, you have to eat a side of beef before they'll let you buy it.

Chuck Norris gave rock and roll to you. He gave rock and roll to everyone.

The sun doesn't shine on Chuck Norris. If it did well you know when a solar eclipse is coming.

Chuck Norris has to get his pedicures done at a local gristmill.

Chuck Norris can swim in a pool table.

Chuck Norris ritually craps out quotes that all of us would be lucky to utter on our deathbeds

You know why Steven Segal never removes his pony-tail? Beacause Chuck Norris told him not to.

Chuck Norris once sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at a karaoke bar. Understandably, there were no survivors.

While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Chuck Norris can play Sonic R on a Playstation and Crash Bandicoot on a Sega Saturn.

Only one woman has ever survived a slow dance with Chuck Norris, and she was a jeep.

Chuck Norris had tonsillitis as a child. He reached in and pulled them out.

When a person goes to a plastic surgery clinic, the front desk doesn't hire a surgeon. They hire Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make you hang onto his every word, even the prepositions.

Life comes at you fast; Chuck Norris's Fist comes at you faster!!!

Chuck Norris once looked at an inmovable object and it ran in fear.

A clarvoyant once offered to read Chuck Norris' palm. After staring at it for about thirty seconds, her head exploded.

Chuck Norris crouches down, puts his head between his legs, and charges up his super-sonic spin attack that can kill instantly and destroy whole buildings. That's how he rolls.

Chuck Norris once ate a Tank, in one single bite

Chuck Norris actually died a million years ago. Death just doesn't have the balls to tell him.

'Old Glory' is also what Chuck Norris calls his package.

The current stock market crash began when Chuck Norris faxed a Roundhouse kick to Wall Street

Once Chuck Norris peed against a fence. A police officer saw him and said - That's against the law! - No, said Chuck. It is against the fence!

Every time Chuck Norris flatulates, an albino condor fledges.

One Million years ago Chuck Norris slapped the world, and to this day it is still spinning

Daniel Boone was known to wear a coonskin hat. Chuck Norris often wears a live wolverine for a hat.

If you have $100 and Chuck Norris is broke, He still has more money than you.

Whoever said "You can't win them all" obviously never met Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris packs more nuts than Delta Airlines.

Chuck Norris doesn't lay the smack down - the smack will get up and do his bidding.

When in Rome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you in the face wearing a toga.

Nelson Mandela was not released from Robben Island prison in 1990. Chuck Norris broke him out of prison, roundhouse kicked ALL the prison gaurds, and safely escorted him to the coast of Capetown. Its good to have a friend like Chuck!

A child once got a Chuck Norris action figure for his b-day and he made the mistake of calling it a doll... he hasn't come out of the coma yet

Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just got tired of wearing his mother.

Are your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!

Chuck Norris toilet is made of stainless steel.

Chuck Norris can deny the "License Agreement" and still be able to install the software

The pizza delivery boy tips Chuck Norris.

The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't destroyed the world is because he was conferred with the honorary Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the film Sidekicks. The prize expires on December 12th, 2012.

When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.

The straight and narrow path actually belongs to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can open PDF files with Microsoft Excel.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

To be or not to be is irrelevant to Chuck Norris, because he is both.

God help anyone who dares play a Wii game against Chuck Norris when the nunchuck is involved.

If Chuck Norris uploaded a video on youtube no matter how stupid it is, Boom. Millions of views and subscribers. That's how Chuck Norris has more subscribers than pewdiepie, In Fact: Everyone in the whole world subscribed him.

Chuck Norris can't rob a store, because everything on earth belongs to him!

Allstate won't quote a rate for mayhem like Chuck Norris!

Some tough guys show off by squeezing orange juice out of an orange. Chuck Norris squeezes whole oranges out of orange juice.

Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill a dozen condors with one boulder.

People pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Merriam-Webster dictionary actually changes it's own published spelling.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. Chuck Norris' speed is unable to be calculated.

He is never Missing in Action, He is.... Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once went Mach 17 on a 12 speed with no back tire.

Chuck Norris entered the NFL Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

Chuck Norris gets his chicken sandwiches and waffle frys FOR FREE

Chuck Norris can shoot you without a gun...

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of sandpaper.

The people you see with brown teeth were in a room when Chuck Norris farted.

E equals M C squared. Chuck Norris equals death, period.

Chuck Norris says that fact is not about him

Z0mg CHUCK NORRIS ROXORZ!!!!111 one one 111!!!!

Chuck Norris guides MAPS where to go!

When Chuck Norris was born the Doctor gave him the traditional slap on the butt. Instead of crying, Chuck slapped the Dr. back so hard it knocked him cold.

Chuck Norris says, 'if life gives you lemons, punch it in the nuts until it doesn't.'

Chuck Norris can cause reverberation inside an anechoic room.

Little Chuck Norris would bring a carving knife to play 'duck duck goose'.

Chuck Norris can make you cry with his unbelievable armpit rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'.

The is more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows thousands. It was a childhood hobby

Chuck Norris drank up all his alcohol. Then he puked out guns. Hell yeah i said guns. He used them to kill people.

a Ford Taurus was killed in a fatal Chuck Norris accident

The New World Order reports to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, the onion cries.

When you knock on death's door, Chuck Norris answers, and then kills you for knocking.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, HE SQUIRTS THE LEMON JUICE IN HIS EYES AND RUNS RAMPANT ON LIFE'S ASS!!

Jessie wants to be Chuck Norris' girl.

Chuck Norris invented pain so that he could torture people.