All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris said 5 "Bloody Marys" and 3 "Candymans" Simultaneously in an abandoned warehouse mirror. He then saw both of them run away from him.

Chuck Norris is the reaso Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris usually finishes typing before the words start getting displayed on the screen

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head is the reason Eric Holder can't remember his involvement in Operation Fast and Furious.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

The DeathStar wasn't a destroying machine, it was one of Chuck Norris' balls.

Chuck Norris once hit a home run with a grand piano.

A reporter asked Chuck Norris what he thought when the news runs a story about the Kardashians. Chuck said "I think that's a good time to take a big dump".

Chuck Norris killed both Biggie AND 'Pac

children check under their beds and in there closets for the boogeyman but the boogeyman checks under his bed and in his closet for Chuck Norris.

Jesus wears a WWCND bracelet !!!!!!! What Would Chuck Norris Do....

The square root of Chuck Norris: pain. Chuck Norris squared: death. Chuck Norris cubed: you don't want to know.

No one wants Chuck Norris to follow them on twitter

Contrary to popular belief, not even carrying a turd in your pocket can protect you from Chuck Norris. Heck, even ghosts are afraid of turds!

When taking baths, Chuck Norris didn't have rubber duckies as a kid. He had toothpicks and nails.

Most people need a liter when they burn down a forest. Chuck Norris only needs his ass and his lazer vision.

Various pieces of the official Lego Chuck Norris set have choked a record number of kids.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. He will also roundhouse kick you to death if you don't laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. The choice is yours.

Chuck Norris beat the hell out of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson with a plank of wood.

Chuck Norris cuts his steak with his fist.

Chuck Norris only smokes cigars after making love. He's a forty-a-day man.

Chuck Norris's beard is so tough that he can use it as a shredder.

Chuck Norris once paralyzed a man in a thumb-wrestle.

The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled was convincing the world that the Chuck Norris facts are just jokes.

When Chuck Norris pulls a rabbit out of a hat he gets the entire Playboy Mansion.

When Chuck Norris first saw his reflection, he was shocked to see that there is another man as manly and good looking as him. So he said "boo" and the relfection promptly rolled over and died.

Chuck Norris can outrun his legs and feet

Chuck Norris once knifed a guy to death then beat up the knife.

Chuck Norris kicked Maggie and the Ferocious Beast so hard they woke up in Nowhere Land.

Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? .... Not while Chuck Norris is alive.

ya know how you cant eat just one lays chip WELL Chuck Norris CAN

Chuck Norris don't need no academy award, he owns the goddamn academy.

Chuck Norris killed the electric car.

After Chuck Norris merciless killed 27 Ninjas while vacationing in Japan, the Japanese government said that he should be hung. His response was, "don't worry about it, I already am".

The devil has a Chuck Norris-may-care attitude.

It is said that a watch pot nevers boils, but in Chuck Norris case a watch pot boils in an instance out of fear and retallation from Chuck Norris

"He protects woman, and kills enemies. We should all be like Chuck Norris" - Israli Officer

Chuck Norris dosen't call 911.. 911 calls Chuck Norris..

Chuck Norris never needs toilet paper to wipe his ass,his Godly ass wipes it himself.

Chuck Norris's blood smells like cologne.

Back in 1980's New York Chuck Norris used to walk around carrying two massive ghetto-blasters and still be able to drink a beer.

When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing. If you cannot - your death is imminent.

Chuck Norris was in the Congo and encountered a cannibal. With one piercing look from his steely eyes, Chuck turned him into a vegetarian. Permanently.

Chuck Norris began weight training at age 3. He bench-pressed a 747 ten times.

Kramer vs. Kramer. Chuck Norris won.

The cookie crumbled because Chuck Norris glanced at it

Chuck Norris easily won on 'Iron Chef America' by microwaving 2 ham & cheese Hotpockets. Prior to the show, he advised the judges he would provide them with thier choice of either Hotpockets or a knuckle sandwich.

Some people swallow live goldfish on a dare. Chuck Norris prefers live piranha.

All the religions of the world believe that reading Chuck Norris facts aloud daily increases your chances of surviving till the next day.

Chuck Norris inhaled helium and had a much deeper voice.

Chuck Norris punched a gift horse in the mouth

Chuck Norris once did a woman so hard she had to change churches.

Chuck Norris is the answer to the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Chuck Norris once spit through a man's skull.

Tommy is the only Ramone left because he followed Chuck Norris's advice and bought a Total Gym.

If Chuck Norris stretches every muscle in his body, he'll suck up the universe because of high gravity.

Chuck Norris was banned from the show Survivor, his primal instincts take over; he killed and ate 5 players. Survive to Chuck Norris means something different.

Chuck Norris Invented Cars so that you can get away from Chuck Norris..... Too bad that cars arent fast enough...us

Chuck Norris tells Scorpian to "get over Here"

Chuck Norris believes some people can only be taught a lesson via gunshot.

Greek Gods fled to Mount Olympus they saw Chuck Norris wandered on earth.

Chuck Norris was annoyed by the noise coming from his neighbor's house. So he punched his neighbor in the throat and moved his house over four blocks.

Chuck Norris fears nothing. But fear fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris slaughters anyone named Chuck or Boris.

Chuck Norris' dog once ran into the street, and a car got ran over by it

If Chuck Norris ever dies, the US government will give him a twenty-one-nuke salute, on France, just like he wanted.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was afraid to be on the same side as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once defeated a alligator, a bear, and a cougar by tying them together with a anaconda

When Chuck Norris travels from Africa to North America, he crosses through the Bermuda triangle

When he was a kid, Chuck Norris invented an imaginary friend, whom he called 'God'. Everyone got in on the act, and religion was born.

Chuck Norris super human kicking speed is the reason The Flash can be seen in slow motion running bare footed.

When Chuck Norris was born in 1940, the only person who cried was the Doctor.

Chuck Norris pee'd his name in the snow at Aspen. He was standing in Dallas.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Chuck Norris...it never made it to the other side.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris once fought with his roundhouse kick and defeated it. LOL!

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time Chuck Norris is near? Just like me, they long to be... close to Chuck

Chuck Norris can blow-out a volcano.

Chuck Norris can mix water and oil.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face, its descendants are now called the giraffe

DNA: Deoxyribonucleic acid CNA: Chuck Norris, asshole

Chuck Norris can get to the center a Tootsie Pop, in just one lick.

Chuck Norris can ride a BMX bike while wearing bigass MC Hammer parachute pants.

James Bond's license to kill was issued by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses lemon juice for eye drops

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer...

Chuck Norris named the Dead Sea. He also swam to the bottom of it.

Love is a battlefield. Chuck Norris is Field Marshall.

Jesus could walk on Land. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris can do donuts in a steam train

Women are known to undergo involuntary ovulation at the sight of Chuck Norris.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Chuck Norris will always hurt me.

Chuck Norris will only feed his pet canary, "Twinkles" strictly a diet of live peregrine falcons.

We're taught Jesus died for the redemption of our sins: past, present and future. If Chuck Norris sins, we're totally screwed. We'll need a bus full of Jesuses, for something as minor as when Chuck Norris says "God dammit".

You quickly realize you've had a bad encounter with Chuck Norris when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and discover it's your face.

Once, while tooling around in his Delorean, Chuck Norris accidentally went 4.5 billion years into the past. Before returning to the present, he hocked a wad of phlegm out the window. And that is how all life on earth began.

Chuck Norris is the only living person who ever skyped from a rock.

Saddam didn't invent mustard gas, Chuck Norris ate baked beans and farted

When Chuck Norris shaves his beard, it grows back within three minutes. That's why his early movies were so damn hard to film.

Chuck Norris was hit by a train and the train was found 3 days later beyond recognition