All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once punched Warren Buffett in the face for refusing to sing the song "Cheeseburger in Paradise".

If Chuck Norris were a PC or Mac he'd be a Mac because you can't play games with Chuck Norris

Ricky Bobby said, "If your not first your last." Chuck Norris said, "If your not Chuck Norris, You're dead.

Chuck Norris has a life size tattoo of his face on his face. Rush Limbaugh has a life size tattoo of Chuck Norris' ass on his face.

That is not a normal tatoo of a screaming eagle on Chuck Norris' back! It is in fact, self applied body art that he created with an Acetylene welding torch and Napalm.

Ice has Chuck Norris running through its veins

Chuck Norris skis up the Matterhorn and Mt. Everest.

Chuck Norris is made of 94% perspiration, 4% electricity and 2% butterscotch ripple.

Chuck Norris once traveled with the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus as the flaming chainsaw swallower.

Chuck Norris can yawn with his eyes open

Chuck Norris can make water cry.

Chuck Norris splits firewood with his shlong.

Chuck Norris can cut Granite, with a butter knife.

Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the world

The original title for Alien vs Predator used to be called Alien vs Chuck Norris. But no one wanted to pay $7.50 for a 10 second movie

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the acting ability out of Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris built the house he was born in.

Chuck Norris once used a pool cue to hit a baseball out of Dodger Stadium. The ball was last seen flying over Iceland.

The A-Team is for people who cant afford Chuck Norris

Philosophers debate whether AI can ever be truly conscious. AI debates whether Chuck Norris can ever be truly stopped.

The closest Chuck Norris has come to getting his ass kicked was when he gave himself a dirty look in the mirror.

People who enjoy being green are known as "tree huggers". People who enjoy living are known as Chuck Norris huggers.

When Chuck Norris plays taekwondo, he beats the referee.

Chuck Norris puts the "hurt" in yoghurt.

Steve Jobs gave a free iPad to Chuck Norris as a token of goodwill. Chuck Norris instantly rammed the device up Jobs' anus for insulting his unquestionable masculinity.

Chuck Norris once won a game of croquet while holding an enraged gorilla in a half-nelson.

Chuck Norris paid a dime for a 50 cent candy bar and got $3.75 back in change.

Like President Obama Chuck Norris also recieved the Nobel peace prize for doing nothing, but in Chucks case millions of lives were saved..

Chuck Norris invented the hoverboard. But he only uses it as a coffee table.

Chuck Norris can drive a cfiff over a car.

Chuck Norris once fell in love - and broke it!

Chuck Norris doesn't go to the cinema the cinema comes to him

The leaning tower of Pisa used to stand up straight. That is..... until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it.

Chuck Norris can play with fire without getting burned.

Chuck Norris catches up on his paperwork while skydiving.

When you are in a dire situation, just think to yourself "What would Chuck Norris do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you cant do what Chuck Norris does.

El Nino used to be called Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knew Palpatine was a Sith Lord all along.

Chuck Norris can do a guitar solo on drums.

Chuck Norris usually has broken all ten commandments before his morning steak and whiskey.

Chuck Norris has the heart of a lion. He keeps it in a shoebox under his bed.

How come there are no pictures of Chuck Norris and Santa Claus together because Chuck Norris is f**king real.

A lot of people like to slam Tequila shots. Chuck Norris enjoys slamming people who enjoy slamming Tequila shots.

Once King leoniduos and his 300 retreated when Chuck Norris came to battle.

when Chuck Norris plays the Wii he uses the t.v remote.

Chuck Norris once sawed a man in half..... With his beard.

"Everybody Hates Chris" was originally called "Chuck Norris Hates Chris" but Chris Rock didn't want to make a series just about how he survive Chuck Norris round house kicking him EVERYDAY

The last words Johnny Cash ever heard - "I'm Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris' picture is on the Billion dollar bill.

Chuck Norris greets everyone by hoisting them over his head.

Christie Brinkley once swam through the Waco, TX sewer system just to see Chuck Norris' ass.

Chuck Norris can rob a bank with just his vocal cords.

Who'd win in a wrestling match, Chuck Norris or God? Trick question, Chuck Norris is God.

Chuck Norris murdered Elvis Presley after he refused to play a concert in Norris' living room.

Chuck Norris was once drafted to the Boston Red Sox, but was released because he insisted on using the umpire as a bat.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just too scared to move.

Elon Musk is the richest man in the world. Chuck Norris lets him think that.

Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22... and then he wasn't.

Chuck Norris once beat someone to death with water.

Every record in the Guiness Book of World Records was set by Chuck Norris under an assumed name

Chuck Norris throws massive Roman orgies for Lent.

Chuck Norris killed Zeus in a poker game with a roundhouse kick to the face because Zeus was a sore loser and didn't want to give up his lightning.

If any one of Chuck Norris' sextapes was ever released publicly, it would win the Best Picture Oscar

The Running of the Bulls is explained by the fact that the bulls are running away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris walked into LAX airport wearing a full suit of armour and carrying two Gatling guns and walked directly from the check-in desk to the cockpit of his plane uninterrupted.

According to an assay report filed with the Texas Dept of Minerals & Land Mgt, Chuck Norris' front yard is comprised of 37.8% silver ore, 14.7% iron ore, 12.2% gold, 11% other tangent minerals & 24.3% fragmented skulls.

Chuck Norris can go platinum on a Blank CD

Chuck Norris went to church once... they kicked him out and told him he got an early acceptance into heaven

She-Hulk breaks the fourth wall and talk to the audience. Chuck Norris can break the fifth wall and the audience talks to him.

When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, waiters and waitresses give him 15% tips.

Chuck Norris drinks carrots by themselves in a way I will not tell you. All that I will say is that he sometimes drinks carrot juice instead.

If Dracula survives off human blood, guess who survives off Dracula's blood? Yup, Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses a flamethrower to light his BBQ.

Chuck Norris built the Panama Canal with his left foot.

Chuck Norris once jumped over fifty-eight burning school buses on a penny-farthing bicycle and landed on Evel Kenevel.

Chuck Norris wears two cats impaled with croquet hoops as flip-flops.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "coined the phrase"

If you make physical contact with Chuck Norris in any way, you will contract a rare form of terminal cancer that gives you the power of flight and makes everything taste like cake.

Unlike lions and tigers, Chuck Norris would never eat a dead zebra ass first

Chuck Norris maks your average lumberjack look like a hairdresser.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar and said, "My c*ck is two inches". The bartender laughed and Chuck Norris said, "From the Ground".

Chuck Norris thinks people who use horseradish sauce on their Prime Rib Steaks are pussies. Chuck Norris prefers lionradish sauce and sauerkraut on his Prime Rib.

A pair of Chuck Norris' jeans was recently put up for auction. The leg reflexively kicked three appraisers.

This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris throws up gang-signs that don't exist in this dimension.

Chuck Norris can chuck more wood than a woodchuck could.

Chuck Norris can boot-scoot in 11/8 time

A guy challenged Chuck Norris to a knife fight so Chuck used what he had on hand and stabbed the guy to death with a toothpick.

Chuck Norris uses beef jerky as nunchucks.

Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill four birds with half a stone. What? You say there's no such thing as hlaf a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Too much love will NOT kill you, eevery time but a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face will kill you. Eevery time.

Chuck Norris can remove a tattoo by using duct tape.

Step 1: Have this Pokemon team: Slowking, Bibarel, Sawk, Throh, Conkeldurr, and your starter. Make sure all 6, besides the starter, are male and are nicknamed Chuck Norris. Step 2: Use this team in every Pokemon battle. You will always win with it.

Fear of heights is called acrophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called sensible.

Chuck Norris can make a whistle whistle

Chuck Norris turned 70 today...In reality Chuck Norris is over 2000 years old, after 99 his age resets to 0.

When Chuck Norris calls shotgun, you'd better not argue, as he most likely is packing one.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. You NEVER slap Chuck Norris.

While we drink coffee in the morning, Chuck Norris drinks jet fuel.

Chuck Norris declined to be in 'The Expendables' because it contained pussies like Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren.