All Chuck Norris Facts

Believe it or not, people living in the jungles of Southeast Asia wore a Chuck Norris face mask on the back of their heads to prevent tigers from attacking them from behind.

Chuck Norris can crush a polar bear's neck with his biceps.

A chastity belt has never stopped Chuck Norris.

A robber pulled a gun on Chuck Norris. Chuck asked him if be wanted that gun rammed down his his throat or shoved up his ass? The robber peed his pants and ran.

Chuck Norris doesn't type, the buttons get scared and press automaticly.

Chuck Norris now knows all the words to ever exist However, he only recently started learning "mercy" in every language.

Chuck Norris is rolling out his own brand of breakfast cereal in June called Capt'n Chuck's Punch n Crunch.

Chuck Norris has enough bling to make Mr. T look Amish

Chuck Norris hates to piss in a urinal because the porcelain to too cold.

Chuck Norris won't let a female doctor tell him the results of a blood test unless she's at least an 8 and it's in Morse code with Kegel exercises.

Chuck Norris once caught a limit of Amazon River piranha bare-handed.

Chuck Norris won a boxing match in a straight jacket.

Chuck Norris can explain Integration by substituion to toddlers - and they understand it.

Chuck Norris' crotch cakes do not taste like Twinkies.

Chuck Norris invented a new kind of oil. Cruel Oil.

Chuck Norris can tow a 28 foot boat with his Volkswagen Bug.

Chuck Norris likes to ride shotgun while driving alone, so he can put his feet up and check his stocks, play some guitar and have a good laugh when he gets pulled over and the cop has to fine thin air.

Chuck Norris made a savory green bean casserole out of The Jolly Green Giant.

Chuck Norris can burn CDs with his hands.

George Foreman has a Chuck Norris grill.

Chuck Norris doesn't have aids. But he gives it to people anyways.

Chuck Norris thinks Holden Caulfield is a phoney.

Chuck Norris' drinking habit has gotten to the point where he regularly eats several six-packs while waiting for the truckers to unload the kegs.

St. Paul once said "The letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life". He forget to add that Chuck Norris can "killeth the spirit and taketh life away".

Chuck Norris once granted a genie 3 wishes

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that he couldn't lift it, and then lift it.

One time, Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The building instantly exploded, for no building can contain such levels of awesomeness.

Chuck Norris can end the recession with one phone call.

Chuck Norris decides the winner of American Idol.

Chuck Norris always give more bang for your buck. In other words, he will roundhouse kick you in the face, then take your wallet.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.

When Chuck Norris is wrong,he is right,even when he turns left.

Chuck Norris challenged Steven Seagal to a ponytail contest. Seagal backed down immediately.

Chuck Norris has a cave troll.

Chuck Norris does not use a calendar, he decides which year it is.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

As an incredible fusion drummer/percussionist, Chuck Norris is all about shoving that groove so deep in the pocket it hits your ball sack with extreme prejudice.

Caine in 'Kung Fu' roams the earth like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can run up a flight of stairs backwards.

'Come with me if you want to live.' That's what Chuck Norris says as he approaches nut. And he means it.

Little-known fact: Lionel Richie wrote 'Dancing On The Ceiling' about the time he attended a Chuck Norris party where he reversed the gravity at his house for the night.

Project Mayhem was inspired by a neighborhood club Chuck Norris formed as a child.

Earthquakes are borne from tectonic plates trembling from severe trepidation of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet the pool gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris knows at least forty-seven words that end in -gasm.

Chuck Norris can get a McDonald's Happy Meal at Burger King.

With one steely eyed glare, Chuck Norris turned Atilla the Hun into whats now known as the Easter Bunny.

"Oh, so that's why it has been happening!" said the Coast Guard when he realized that Chuck Norris was born in the bermuda triangle.

Chuck Norris is the only gynaecologist in the world who received his credentials based solely on his reputation.

Stonehenge was Chuck Norris' first attempt at a teleporter. And only he knows where the ON switch is.

Chuck Norris doesn't just bend space-time, he can turn it into a goddamn balloon animal.

Chuck Norris is known to save people's lives from heart attacks - so that he can kill them himself.

Chuck Norris was born right when Germany started losing World War 2. COINCIDENCE?!!!!!!!!!

Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Chuck Norris isn't given tests. He TAKES them.

Chuck Norris once farted 5 times while in the check-out line at a Bass Pro Shop. Three Bass Pro Shop employees were immediately hospitalized after accusing Chuck Norris of attempting to steal a duck call and some stink bait.

Contrary to popular belief, the first Thanksgiving was actually celebrated in 34,587 B.C. after an ancestor of Chuck Norris stabbed to death a Teradactyl that was attacking Fred Flintstone.

Chuck Norris never "attempts" to kill. He succeeds.

Chuck Norris told people not to talk about the Tiananment Square protest

Your odds of surviving a Chuck Norris attack are slightly less than: -1/100.

When Tom created Myspace, his first friend was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris went to the church with his son.They stopped in front of a drawing of Jesus.Chuck Norris said: -You see son, that's me with long hair!

Chuck Norris can cut a diamond with a spoon

Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is Budweiser.

Chuck Norris wil see you.... NOW!

Chuck Norris doesnt get sick, he holds viruses hostage.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Stephen Hawking doesn't really have Lou Gehrig's Disease. He's been confined to his chair after angering Chuck Norris.

Leaving a criminal in the same room as Chuck Norris is considered cruel and unusual punishment.

When Chuck Norris walks through dark alleys, muggers give Chuck THEIR wallets.

Confucius say, wise man not stand infront of Brahma Bull; not stand behind mule; not stand infront, behind, or beside Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the "punch" in punch-line.

Chuck Norris Knighted The Queen

Chuck Norris' favorite yoghurt flavor is beef jerky.

Chuck Norris can get out of a Chinese finger trap without any help....

The only thing that can harm Superman is "Green Kryptonite" which quite interestingly is the scientific name given to Chuck Norris' boogers.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris' toilet is actually Henry VIII's throne with a shotgun hole in the seat.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a window pane with such infinite presicion that only one side of it breaks.

Chuck Norris can alphebetize his M&M's. Skittles too.

Once, while experiencing an episode of ironic humor, Chuck Norris drowned an elephant in a vat of peanut oil.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, as hunting implies the chance of failure -- Chuck Norris goes killing.

Texas Tea - Chuck Norris sweat

Aeroplanes can fly faster than their sound. Chuck Norris can run faster than his legs.

Chuck Norris can blow up a balloon with both of his lips tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a phone to communicate his messages to a distant person, he just shouts it over.

Once while harpooning whales in Alaska, Chuck Norris lit a fart. This action is what caused the aurora borealis and solar flares.

Women are magnetically drawn to Chuck Norris' wang. It's actually caused a number of horrible injuries.

Chuck Norris was once caught without a ticket on the train. The inspector was fined $110.

Chuck Norris' tear cure cancer. Unfortunately he never cries. Ever!

Chuck Norris once ace the test, just by staring at the numbers.

Chuck Norris does not party on Fridays. He parties EVERY HOUR! Infact he is partying right now.

Chuck Norris fought Muhammed Ali back in the 70s and won by knock out.The fight lasted the whole duration of them touching gloves.

In the beginning God created the Universe.. but who created God? - It was Chuck Norris!

On every continent of the world, there is a sandwich named after Chuck Norris. On the North American continent it's the Knuckle Sandwich.

Chuck Norris recently added a tweet on facebook

Lego was invented when a Chuck Norris action figure smashed all the other toys to pieces.

The atomic bomb is actually made of a contained Chuck Norris fart.

Even as a kid he's not afraid of the Dark, Dark is afraid of CHUCK NORRIS.