All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can send his roundhouse kicks through the mail to everywhere, since he knows every address in the entire world! So don't be surprised if you see someone's head instantly explode from opening an envelope.

Once when Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McDouble at McDonald's because it was 9:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard that it became a KFC.

When you search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked," on any search machine, you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen, and it never will too!

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the nose off of the Sphinx.

Chuck Norris was so pissed, he accidently hit something that borke the moon.

Chuck Norris can stop a chainsaw with his hand. This is actually true. There is footage. Not surprising, as he brushes his teeth with one twice a day.

The Turing Test determines if a machine can think like a human. The Norris Test determines if a human can survive like a machine.

Listen. Understand. Chuck Norris is out there. He can't be reasoned with, he can't be bargained with...he doesn't feel pity of remorse or fear... and he absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

Other fictional characters based on Chuck Norris: Han Solo, Boba Fett, Robocop, the T-800, the T-1000, Snake Plisskin, Dirty Harry, Conan, Jeff Lebowski, Kayser Soze, Wolverine, The Punisher, Iron Man, Walker: Texas Ranger, the Predator and Morpheus.

Chuck Norris' former 3rd grade librarian once "shushed" him for talking too loudly. Former librarian, Stephen Hawking, later became a world renowned physicist.

When Chuck Norris eats brussel sprouts, his farts smell like cotton candy.

Rattlesnakes have died from Chuck Norris bites.

Chuck Norris can pinch an atom with a chopstick

Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.

Some creatures fatally confuse Chuck Norris' beard with a rain forrest.

Chuck Norris can eat 3 bean burritos then go to the lake and take a whirlpool bath.

CHuck norris can kick u with his hands, and punch u with his feet.

The US Navy SEALs recently honored Chuck Norris with the 'Please Stop It, You're Making Us Look Bad' Award.

Chuck Norris: Chilling Hulking Undeniable Cunning Killing Not nice Order Ripped Righteous Invincible Sensational

Chuck Norris dosn't talk to people, he KILLS them Chuck Norris dosn't neet a friend to have fun.

Chuck Norris has Skynet installed on his laptop.

When Chuck Norris wa born 3 nurses and 2 doctors were killed when he shot them with 2 MPK-5's he had developed while in the womb.

Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good... but will kill you on sight either way.

Chuck Norris can win German Soccer Championship ...... with Schalke 04

It is possible to contract hepatitis from smelling one of Chuck Norris's farts.

Chuck Norris has been all over more co-ed ass than butterfly tattoos.

Sir Issac Newton developed his groundbreaking theories on gravitation after he recovered from being almost killed by an apple thrown by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with brick buildings.

Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails... he rips them out with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.

Chuck Norris sells weapons-grade plutonium to school kids.

Chuck Norris loves to plant tubes of springing snakes in bodies to be autopsied.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a Rattle Snake... After 3 Days of suffering the rattle snake died!

Nightmares have Chuck Norris-mares.

Unlike Elvis Costello, Chuck Norris was Punching The Detectives.

Chuck Norris is the only grown man alive that can wear Superhero Jammie's and no one will give him crap about it.

Chuck Norris believes that for every action there is an equal and opposite roundhouse kick to your head.

Chuck Norris can TKO King Hippo in Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

Chuck Norris is so fast that when he stops he has to wait for his shadow to arrive.

Chuck Norris sometimes wishes that alcohol could affect him. He has drunk 5 bottles of whiskey a day for the past 20 years, and still nothing.

Every convicted killer in the history of the world has been innocent. They were all just covering for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Can Cut a Box In Half With 1 Finger

Chuck Norris likes to joust with a flagpole and a quad bike. He also pole vaults this way (9 gold medals).

Chuck Norris can win a connect 4 in 3 moves

Alls well that ends well. But if your life ends with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, all is not well.

Chuck Norris uses the woods as the bathrooom.

"Elect Chuck Norris for Pope".

Chuck Norris took down god zilla in 1894.

The Cybertruck was designed to be bulletproof. It still can't survive a Chuck Norris glance.

Chuck Norris is the only co-star he can work with.

Jesus' last words, before giving up the ghost in Aramaic were "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani". The approximate translation into modern English: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, please don't roundhouse kick me!

Chuck Norris once threw a hand grenade into a crowd of 50 people , killing everyone of them.....then the grenade went off.

Chuck Norris plays Rusiian rulette with full barrels, and he always wins.

The invasion of America in Modern Warfare 2 insulted Chuck Norris by blowing up his house - he walked across the Pacific to Russia and promptly roundhouse kicked Moscow in the face, thereby ending the war.

Chuck Norris plays pool with comets and astroids. He shoots them into black holes.

Of course Chuck Norris doesn't use cleaning agents for his toilet, his piss does the job

Chuck Norris can kill a grizzly-bear with its own teeth.

In 2014 Chuck Norris invested 1 cent with a Wall Street investment firm. As of today he became a billionaire.

Chuck Norris has a pentagram tattooed around his cornhole.

Chuck Norris invented the word 'mortuary' so he would have a place to stack cadavers.

Chuck Norris roundhoused a hole in the roof of Cowboys Stadium so that God can watch his favorite team play.

Chuck Norris had what Meg Ryan was having.

Chuck Norris once paid a chef in Australia to cook him up a koala bear.

The U.S. Coast Guard has recognized Chuck Norris' gonads and nut sack as a legal personal floatation device.

Chuck Norris has an 11-inch prehensile tongue.

The movie 'Caligula' was inspired by the average Chuck Norris house party.

If iron and steel can talk, they wanna call Chuck Norris daddy.

Chuck Norris cleans his earwax out with a Dremel tool.

If you type in the best person in the world you get pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once possessed an evil spirit.

It's Chuck Norris' world; we are just living in it.

Rocks learn from Chuck Norris on how to be rocks.

Chuck Norris keeps a shotgun in his wallet.

Chuck Norris actually means God in spanish, english, german, roundhouse, arabic, french, assassin, italian and just go with it or he'll kick you

When does the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick strike? The answer is, anywhere, at any time, so hide in a hole forever...just in case he is looking for you.

Chuck Norris wears a full samurai suit as pajamas.

'The Hurt Locker' is also the name of where Chuck Norris used to keep his homework, gym shorts, and assorted students and teachers he didn't like.

Haiti once talked about Chuck Norris' momma, we all know what happened to Haiti.

When asked how he wanted to die, Saddam Hussein requested a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head. Saddam died instantly.

Chuck Norris dosn't climb mountains; mountains climb Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris dedicates at least three hours every day to conceiving new life.

Chuck Norris knows it's funny until someone gets hurt... THAN IT'S HILARIOUS.

Chuck Norris' newest pet is a rocket pig. Chuck says the coolest thing about it is, if you ever get tired of flying your rocket pig, you can just turn it into bacon. Win, win!!

In the sport of bull riding staying on for 8 seconds is success. In Texas there is a sport called Chuck Norris riding. To date no bull has been able to stay on Chuck Norris for more then 3 seconds.

Chuck Norris wrote half of "War and Peace" in a day. Guess which half.

Harry Potter's teacher was Chuck Norris

Salman Rushdie is afraid of the fatwa on him... but is utterly terrified that Chuck Norris is even slightly irked at him.

Gordon Ramsay features Chuck Norris' Toaster Strudel recipe in all of his restaurants.

Fanboys such as Genwunners are made when Chuck Norris is hungry for the exact part of the brain that accepts opinions.

The reason why the truth hurts, is because Chuck Norris round-house kicked it in the face

Chuck Norris`s calender doesn`t need a leap year. Its more acurate than ours.

Chuck Norris is here to kick ass and take names, but doesn't bother to do that second thing.

There are only two true wonders of the world... and they are both down Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris changes the weather with his moods.

Chuck Norris really wants to hurt Boy George.

Chuck Norris can deliver justice without violence, but it is less fun that way.

Like a good neighbor, Chuck Norris is there to roundhouse kick you in the face.

Reece is back, Chuck Norris spam!!!

Chuck Norris once held one nostril shut while blowing an incredible snot volley from the other nostril. This action caused an epiphany among toy manufacturers that directly lead to the invention of the Nerf Blaster.

Why did bruce lee dress up like Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragons? Becase bruce lee was to scared to face Chunk Norris the lee is.