🥋 General Facts

Pain and death is what Chuck Norris makes it.

Most families play badminton with a racquet and a small feathered birdie. Chuck Norris' family often play badminton using a manhole cover and an ostrich carcass.

You will get a bloody nose even if Chuck Norris only thinks about punching you in the face.

Chuck Norris prefers his Cobb Salad served with cocklebur croutons.

Chuck Norris once farted in his sleep loud enough to awaken a sleeping volcano. Maui was then formed.

When WeeMan joined the cast of Jackass, he was 6'1 1/2" tall. Then they had him try to give Chuck Norris a wedgie.

Chuck Norris invented the chambers Grip

Chuck Norris fathered two illegitimate children. Now grown up, we know them as the Hulk and Superman, and together they are half as powerful as their father.

When night falls in the forest, the darkness gets afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once accidentally killed a man by roundhouse kicking his shadow. The judge deemed the incident an Act of God and Chuck Norris walked a free man.

When Chuck Norris tells you to give him a hummer, don't protest or cry - you'd best just get on your knees and do it immediately. And you'd better hum the Walker: Texas Ranger theme.

Chuck Norris is the one who shot the deputy.

If you have read Harry Potter, you know about the unbeatable Elder Wand. It is actually Chuck Norris' used tooth stick.

Wolverine's bezerker rage was based on the time Chuck Norris was told that he was simply too old to ride the teacup ride at Disney World.

When Chuck Norris gives you an Indian burn, consult your nearest skin graft specialist immediately.

Chuck Norris made Frank Dux say, "Ma Tay."

The reason the last Ice Age ended was because Chuck Norris had gotten bored with all the snow and ice, and yawned, melting all the glaciers.

All people say that the future is robots and futuristic buildings and technology. The real future is Chuck Norris as the ruler of the world. And ruler of roundhouse kicks and karate.

Once while on an Amazon River piranha fishing trip in remote Brazil, Chuck Norris happened upon a native village of cannibals. They are all now vegan and homeless.

Chuck Norris's childhood is known to some as the Jungle Book

Chuck Norris is the reason The Chicken crossed the road.

People with Alzheimer's always remember Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once sniped 20 people with one round. Luckily he forgot the gun

Chuck Norris doesn't drink, water goes into him.

Chuck Norris can microwave Chinese take-in containers without starting a fire

Chuck Norris knows when God will return.

Chuck Norris round housed a NFL replacement ref, and the others begged the real refs to come back

Chuck Norris doesn't urinate, Chuck Norris urines 10.

Chuck Norris can derive the slope of a vertical line.

Chuck Norris took his dog to the vet. The doctor neutered himself.

If you play Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side Of The Moon' while watching Delta Force 2, Chuck Norris' boot heel will sync up with your face.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? This question is irrelevant. A relevant question would be "How many trees can Chuck Norris kick the woodchuck through"?

Tom Brady can throw a football 60 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Tom Brady five times farther.

Banks don't do public holidays but Chuck Norris does

Chuck Norris can't play LIFE. his is too complicated

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris is watching it.

Despite millions of fan letters, Chuck Norris regretfully says that his schedule is simply too full to kill Nickelback anytime soon.

Chuck Norris does not need antispam. Spam needs anti-Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris tore her 10 new ones

Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.

Jesus walked on water....Chuck Norris walked on Jesus

Robert Pattinson must report to Chuck Norris' mansion every Thursday to eat a whole clove of garlic in front of him.

When Chuck Norris sees a screamer, he roundhouse kicks it so hard, that the ghost gets hit.

Whenever Chuck Norris strangles a tiger, he gets Frosted Flakes.

Bears have to put up "Don't feed Chuck Norris" signs.

Chuck Norris won the Indy 500. On an Exercise Bike.

Chuck Norris once killed a man with a roundhouse kick to someone else's face.

Chuck Norris' beard has the density of a dying sun.

Chuck Norris can make safety scissors dangerous.

Chuck Norris found the i in team, them promptly gouged it out.

Chuck Norris can see you, even when he cant.

You know how the old saying goes: You can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't stop Chuck Norris from killing you. And that boy.

Chuck Norris can keep any character played by Sean Bean alive.

The only mistake that Chuck Norris has committed was when he thought he did a mistake.

Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.

Chuck Norris ONLY drinks orange juice after brushing his teeth.

Chuck Norris can see 3D in TV without wearing glasses.

the dinosaurs only became extinct after Chuck Norris had a BBQ, for one

"Like a good neighbor..." Chuck Norris is there... with a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris once cast a fishing line into the Atlantic Ocean and caught 243 fish...then the hook hit the water

Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on an alligator.

The goverment called Chuck Norris to ask him to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas.Chuck Norris then rode on top of a rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherrybomb.Needless to say, the asteroid lost.

Chuck Norris hunts Cape Buffalo with a slingshot.

In 1978, a suicidal man,convinced that insulting Chuck Norris would result in instant death, walked right up to him and called him 'Shmuck Novice' to his face. You don't wanna know what is still happening to him.

When Chuck Norris was born it wasn't his mother that pushed him out, he crawled out on his own, round house kicked the doctor and lit a cigar.

Chuck Norris can break iron with bubbles

Chuck Norris wouldn't do anything for love. Love would do anything for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hair has a tint of red due to the stain of blood from bloodshed

Chuck Norris can kill more people before 9 A.M. than most armies can kill all day.

Why do so many rock stars die at age 27? Chuck Norris

Mother Nature and Father Time came together and made Chuck Norris, But his name wasn`t always Chuck norris because it`s latin for I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

If Chuck Norris was president, any word he says would make the crowd cheer for him. Wow that guy is one hell of a president.

Once upon a time Chuck Norris!

The Beatles are on itunes because Chuck Norris finally bought a Mac.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris has zero-gravity on tap.

If Chuck Norris imagines roundhouse kicking someone, that roundhouse kick actually hurts someone. Try not to imagine him imagining that.

Mountains bow down to Chuck Norris

The most difficult thing about making the Total Gym commercials was keeping Christie Brinkley from tearing off her clothes and begging Chuck Norris, "Take me, Chuck Norris, you magnificient bearded stallion!"

Chuck Norris knows which came first...the chicken or the egg....he'll only tell the person who beats him in battle. So I guess we may never know

Chuck Norris knows what a tinker is and why they don't give a damn.

Chuck Norris has never had to start back at 'square one'. If he ever messes up, he'll start back at octagon fifty-two.

Chuck Norris invented Nunchucks after he defeated 100 Evil Nuns with two wooden rulers tied together.

Chuck Norris once took a dump on Wall Street. The turd he left is now known as the Bronze Bull.

Chuck Norris is known for doing every cool thing you've ever seen a person do in a movie, but significantly better.

Chuck Norris gets ever so slightly more healthy and strong with each cigar.

Chuck Norris can turn in a blank paper at school and get an A+.

Chuck Norris enjoys a love/convert relationship with lesbians.

Chuck Norris framed Michael Jackson's doctor.

When Chuck Norris plays live, he declines the traditional guitar solo and instead strangles an actual cat into the mike.

Ghosts don't come out during the daytime because of the fear that they might be sighted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris clears his nose with an Uzi.

Chuck Norris is by far the most violent man to ever win the Nobel peace prize.

A black hole is created every time Chuck Norris farts.

Chuck Norris gave the terminators the emotion "fear"

The term 'bust a nut' doesn't apply to Chuck Norris. It should be 'detonating a watermelon plantation'.

Chuck Norris doesn't play the lottery, he wins it.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, the Tooth Fairy left the keys to Fort Knox under his pillow, in exchange for a molar.

Chuck Norris' preferred kung-fu style is Norristyle.

Chuck Norris uses jalapenos as breath mints