🥋 General Facts

Chuck Norris can blow up a steel wall by touching it with his left pinkie toe.

Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.

A Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick to the buttocks has been known to cause an infected, yellow pus filled abscess in hemorrhoidal tissue.

The eleventh Commandment: 'Disregard all of the above when Chuck Norris tells you to do his bidding.'

Chuck Norris's belly button does'nt collect lint, it collects steel wool.

Chuck Norris does not walk. The Earth rotates for him out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris was not born. He kicked his mother off of him.

Chuck Norris once defeated the Statue of Liberty in a Stop Dance Contest.... at kindergarten!

Chuck Norris was hiking and came face to face with Sasquatch. There was IMMEDIATE PANIC, then the Sasquatch was seen running screaming into the woods.

Chuck Norris knows that the world isn't flat...but with one punch, it could be.

Do not stare at Chuck Norris' beard, or it may feel threatened and leap off his face and smother you to death.

Chuck Norris didn't vote this year...he delegated.

Chuck Norris once struck lightning

There is no such thing as global warming, just Chuck Norris farting after him eating a bean burrito.

Chuck Norris once made a 367 yard putt with a ping-pong ball.

If you ever dream of beating Chuck Norris in a thumb war, the next event in said dream will be a 6734-ton weight falling on you. This is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.

Ouija Boards have recently been re-designed to have 'CHUCK NORRIS' written in the center.

Chuck Norris fairly warned Tony Siragusa to not use Depends to "protect his manhood" before racking him in the balls.

Chuck Norris has never been dubbed in any film, because his fists do the talking.

Chuck Norris once ran a quarter mile in 3.7 seconds, while pulling an 18-wheeler in wet cement.

Chuck Norris can chew glass back into sand.

Chuck Norris is the only computer system that beats a Mac or a PC. Too bad all it does is round house kicks the user.

Chuck Norris knows exactly how many licks it takes to reach the center of a tootsipop.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a Total Gym to work out the Total Gym needs Chuck Norris to work out.

Chuck Norris can hit a barn door with a broad's side.

For Chuck Norris, post-coitus and post-mortem mean the same damn thing.

A comet will erase the human race, the sciencists called the comet Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is FATHER Nature.

If light is the fastest traveling element known, then Chuck Norris is not an element

Chuck Norris won the America's Cup sailing in a rubber raft.

Chuck Norris can jump...without leaving the ground.

Chuck Norris knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father before the end of the first movie.

President Reagan's "Star Wars" anti-missile plan was just a cover for his true idea to destroy incoming Soviet nukes: Chuck Norris in his backyard ready to shoot them down with his M-16. Secret tests showed that no missiles ever got past Chuck.

Chuck Norris can send text messages in braille.

Chuck Norris tore Saxton Hale's chest hair off in such a way that... well, look at Saxton hale's chest! Chuck Norris is pretty darn precise.

Chuck Norris jumped out of the Godly tree and roundhouse-kicked every branch on the way.

Chuck Norris is what ancient Greeks used to protect their mazes.

Even if Chuck Norris is entirely tied with metal chains, he'll still kick your ass

Chuck Norris sold a Henckels 18 piece knife block set to a Cutco sales representative.

Chuck Norris' leg kicks hit hard enough to knock the polio vaccine out of your body

Chuck Norris knows Chivalry is dead. He was the one who killed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't need missiles to bomb other countries, he just sends them copies of his old movies.

If you line jump for a new iPad infront of Chuck Norris at the midnight openning at Best Buy, you will instantly learn the true meaning of Black Friday...if you ever come out of your coma.

Chuck Norris can hear and speak sign language.

Chuck Norris has an 8 millionth degree black belt.

Chuck Norris can light a cigar by clapping his hands in front of it.

Chuck Norris recently ran into Nancy Pelosi and she told Chuck she had just flown in from Washington D. C. Chuck said "oh really, where did you park your broom"?

Joe Namath felt safe making his Super Bowl III guarantee because Chuck Norris said the Jets would win.

Will Weston punched a women in the face. Chuck norris punched a bull dozer in the face. Who is better? you decide

Vampires travel by night because Chuck Norris travels by day.

When you get a thumbs up from Chuck Norris, you always win.

Chuck Norris can send a text massage through public telephone

Chuck Norris's Minecraft username is "Herobrine27". Should be just "Herobrine" in my opinion. He deserves it.

Chuck Norris doesnt do the ice bucket challenge. Chuck Norris does the HOT LAVA BUCKET CHALLENGE.

Chuck Norris told Oprah to 'get off the goddamn TV'. They will show old Walker: Texas Ranger reruns in her place.

When Chuck Norris goes to the club he doesnt dance, he does "the Chuck Norris boogey" aka roundhouse kicking everyone

Chuck Norris doesn't walk - the world just rolls beneath his feet.

Chuck Norris does not need air from the trees because his lungs generate their own air out of fear.

A doctor once tried to test Chuck Norris' reflexes by lightly tapping on his knee with a small wooden mallet. Needless to say, that doctor is now in orbit.

Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.

Chuck Norris grinds black pepper with his ass-cheeks.

Whoever said "Close enough only works for horseshoes and hand grenades" obviously never witnessed what happens to people within a mile of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris satisfied Madonna so well she actually turned British.

Mario & Luigi are the result of Chuck Norris cutting Don Corleone in half with an atomic wedgy.

Chuck Norris's beard is the eigth wonder of the world.

When Chuck Norris uses a bathroom, he can stink it out for up to twenty-three years. Many around America's south have been turned into tourist attractions.

Chuck Norris liked this because it is fact/joke number 4900.

One person stated that Chuck Norris has forgotten more about killing than anyone will ever know. That is not true -- Chuck Norris never forgets. Ever.

....to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until Chuck Norris do us part.....

Chuck Norris eats happy meal toys and has the hamburger and fries as toys.

For Sunday Church Communions, Chuck Norris is served a 3 lb loaf or sourdough bread and gallon jug of MD 20/20 wine.

Chuck Norris uses the big dipper to eat his cereal.

Chuck Norris will die in the year 2012. thus ending the world

If Chuck Norris beat you half to death you would be dead.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.

Once Chuck Norris had the weakest hand while playing a High stakes game of 7 card stud. The other players were too afraid to tell him, that's how Razz was invented.

While building a house in Kansas, Chuck Norris was dared to dig a hole as deep as he could. Chuck Norris dug so deep that the next day there were Squirrels with slanted eyes on his front lawn.

Chuck Norris is unstoppable in all games of Call of Duty

Chuck Norris busted Phineas and Ferb

When Chuck Norris goes hiking in a rainforest, it is then known as a painforest.

Dos Equis XX is actually Chuck Norris' urine.

Nintendo once tried to duplicate Chuck Norris' hands. They got close; we know them as Dialga & Palkia.

Chuck Norris sank the Titanic because it was his nickname.

Chuck Norris has never used a seat belt, because nothing holds Chuck Norris back

Chuck Norris can fart the entire Walker, Texas Ranger theme song lyrics in Morris Code.

Chuck Norris is the world's most popular loner.

Chuck Norris doesn't even need to stop for it to be Hammer Time.

Chuck Norris is so tough he makes onions cry.

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the Sun.

The lord giveth and Chuck Norris taketh away!

Chuck Norris can create a molecular compound out of all of the inert gases.

In thinking of famous celebrities, Chuck Norris & Dolly Parton come to mind. Now that's a couple of big ones for ya!

Chuck Norris invented the hemorrhoid thermometer.

Chuck Norris' tree house has a fully finished basement.

Chuck Norris can have a midnight snack at quarter to four in the afternoon.

The original phrase "balls to the wall" was in reference to anytime Chuck Norris entered a building smaller than an aircraft hanger

Chuck Norris is the only person who owns TWO Birthday Suits

Fool me once: shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once: actually, you can't ever fool Chuck, and he'll kill you for even thinking about it.

Chuck Norris can see his shadow and catch it- at night.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes lemonade...and then goes to sunbathe on the beach.