All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can literally HIT Puberty

Chuck Norris regularly smashes open his computer to eat the cookies within.

Chuck Norris can snatch your wife's golden watch in far less time than it takes a Peeping Tom to watch your wife's golden snatch!

Chuck Norris walked past Uasin Bolt who was running the 100m... on the day that he broke the world record

Chuck Norris has X-Ray vision. And damn right, he does use it to see through hot women's clothes.

when the U.S. invaded Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction all they found... was Chuck Norris

The Mona Lisa didn't smile before Chuck Norris spent a night in the Louvre.

Chuck Norris was once part of a knock knock joke. The Joke ended abruptly when after the first knock the door blew up killing the man behind it.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse a black hole out of extinction in the blink of an eye.

When Chuck Norris kicks you in the face, you know you're dead. When he kicks himself in the face, he knows he's alive!

In case you are wondering... Chuck Norris' spurs have INDEED slit thousands of throats and killed dozens of horses.

Tornados jump into a root cellar when they see Chuck Norris approaching.

Chuck Norris designed the first Ed Hardy shirt when he ran out of douchebags to kill.

Wheaties are actually flash dried Chuck Norris boogers.

Chuck Norris does not pay taxes. He subsidizes the national economy.

Chuck Norris can download iTunes to an 8-track player.

Chuck Norris does INDEED want a piece of you.

A heckler recently insulted Chuck Norris and made him madder than a castrated moose. It didnt end well for the heckler.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the balls, face, and back of the head at the same time.

The rain in Spain falls mainly where Chuck Norris tells it to.

If you try to shoot Chuck Norris in a dream, you better wake up and apologize

Theres a computer virus named rndhsekck. If you open the virus, it roundhouse kicks you in the face..from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once abandoned one of his kids when it was discovered he was allergic to the family dinosaur!

The apple never falls far from the tree. Keep this in mind when talking to a bearded child claiming to be one of Chuck Norris' spawn.

There is no angel upon Chuck Norris' shoulder... the devil sits there. His other shoulder is where he rests the bazooka

If you receive an invitation from Chuck Norris to attend a Texas Tea Party rally, it is actually his secret code for you to come over for a fun filled evening of jello shooters, beer pong & strip poker.

Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac, 6 piece chicken mcnugget , and a hot apple pie. AND GOT IT !!

Death only exists because Chuck Norris allows him to live.

Chuck Norris calls his left and right fists "Great Vengeance" and "Furious Anger"

Little Johnny's teacher asked him to describe Chuck Norris. Little Johnny said Chuck Norris is like a wheelbarrow full of awesome.

Chuck Norris' idea of a light snack is a big bowl of Fire Ants.

Chuck Norris goes around to R. Kelly's house every Thursday to urinate on him.

Chuck Norris makes the rest of The Expendables look like The Golden Girls.

If a clone was made from Chuck Norris and that clone was one-fourth the size of Chuck Norris, the clone's manhood would be 9 inches long.

Chuck Norris wins Tic Tac Toe in only two moves!

The cosmic microwave background radiation is a remnant of Chuck Norris' birth.

Chuck Norris has no reflection because their can be only one !!!!

Jesus could walk on water...Chuck Norris can swim on land.

When Chuck Norris played Starcraft 2, he won a match in 1 minute because his fingers make 1000 moves in 20 seconds.

Chuck Norris can end a sentence with a preposition.

The only way to get mercy from Chuck Norris is to say his name three times in Chuckenese. Mispronouncing will only make your fate worse.

It all started when Chuck Norris invented the wheel.

The reason they changed it from 10 degrees of seperation to 6 degrees of separation is because Chuck Norris killed the other 4 people that don't know anybody.

When you're Chuck Norris, all the sperms that didn't make it... MAKE it.

Chuck Norris can check his stock in the stock market with a playboy magazine.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to connect to knock you out with a roundhouse kick. He just needs to come close and the wind does the rest

Chuck Norris can pull off a 97-hit combo in under eight seconds when someone taps him on the shoulder.

Chuck Norris showers with a sand blaster.

Chuck Norris uses liquid nitrogen as mouthwash.

Fighting bulls see a red cape and charge towards it. Fighting bulls see Chuck Norris and run away just as fast as they can go.

When Chuck Norris wants food he folds the land to the nearest restaurant so he doesn't have to walk

If you ever hear Chuck Norris humming "Ain't That a Kick In the Head," flee for your life. You don't want to be around to see what happens next.

6 x 7 = Chuck Norris; since both 42 and Chuck Norris are the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Learning that Santa isn't real doesn't make children sad, it's the fact that Chuck Norris is

Chuck Norris does not have a fence. He has a dotted line and a sign that says "I dare you".

Michele Bachmann's face needed pastic surgery again after she called Chuck Norris' mother a social succubus for recieving social security payments that her husband & she paid into for 50 years.

If Chuck Norris was black, Obama would have been the US 44th black president.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar. everyone died and the bar exploded into a bar. the end.

The insanely popular one-man show "Three Hours Of Chuck Norris Standing On Stage And Staring At You" has been to over 75 countries around the world, to a combined audience of over four million. There were no surviors.

Chuck Norris loves to dance in the rain - acid rain.

Chuck Norris' favorite hobby is to create orphans.

A Chuck Norris sighting is considered extremely fortunate - if he did not roundhouse kick you.

Cocaine is really just Chuck Norris's dandruff

Chuck Norris lives in a permanent state of chronosynclastic infundibulum.

Chuck Norris' chest hair can absorb a shotgun blast.

In "Way of the Dragon",Bruce Lee bribed Chuck Norris to let him live.

"Iron Man" was originally going to be called "Chuck Norris: The Movie," but everyone who knew about it got roundhouse kicked. Afterwords, Chuck Norris hired Robert Downey Jr. and had the movie called "Iron Man"

Billie Jean was Chuck Norris' lover.

They haven't perfected cloning yet because when they cloned Chuck Norris, his clone couldn't fly.

Chuck Norris once went into a church to ask God why Adam was created first instead of chuck. God's answer apparently was not to Chuck's liking, since no one has seen or heard from God sense...

Mr. Miyagi may be able to catch a fly with chopsticks but Chuck Norris eats soup with his.

Chuck Norris' homemade Texas chili is so hot that if you ate a bowl of it this evening, you would wish that you had a strawberry snow cone to wipe your ass with tomorrow morning.

Before Chuck Norris had his way with her, Lady Gaga had the dress sense of a librarian.

Chuck Norris can rehydrate petrified wood by urinating on it.

Chuck Norris now owns a miniature giraffe. Epic Win is now a quadriplegic. Any questions?

Michael Jackson once witnessed someone try to dance next to Chuck Norris. What followed inspired the title of his next album - ''Blood On The Dance Floor''.

Did you know? The name Chuck Norris means Chuck Norris in every other language.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an axe or saw to cut down a tree -- he needs only his foot, or his fist, or his glare.

Where Chuck Norris Lives: Everywhere.

If Chuck Norris was the Cardinals manager, the Red Sox would forfeit!

Chuck Norris bungee jumps with an anchor chain.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally become a human cannonball.

Chuck Norris never 'visits' a foreign land... he invades it

Bill and Ted's excellent adventures were sponsored by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Little-known fact: Chuck Norris murdered Heath Ledger when he refused to give up an Olsen twin.

Chuck Norris turned the wine back into water.

Chuck Norris won on TV's "Jeopardy" game show by answering every question with "Who is Chuck Norris".

If you're a horse, here's a little advice: Never look a gift CHUCK NORRIS in the mouth!

Chuck Norris lost his vriginity before his dad did.

Had Chuck Norris been present at the Battle of the Alamo, the southern border of Texas would be extended a few thousand miles to Guatemala.

During WWII Chuck Norris was drafted into the Army. He mercilessly roundhouse kicked everyone to death including Ally soldiers. Their resting place is now known as Arlington Cemetery.

Chuck Norris didnt dial the wrong number......you just answered the wrong phone

Chuck Norris actually has no beard. It's rust from his iron jaw

If Chuck Norris told YOU to jump off a bridge, you should thank him profusely and do it immediately.

Chuck Norris doesn't ride in elevators. The elevator rides around Chuck Norris.

...Where no man has gone before! Chuck Norris doesn't need the "Star Fleet". He's went everywhere.

A wise boy once told his girlfriend " I will love you for as long as Chuck Norris is alive"

When Chuck Norris got his Polio shot as a child, the doctor needed a crossbow bolt covered in the immunisation fluid.

Chuck Norris stood in the way of progress.