All Chuck Norris Facts

When Chuck Norris wants bacon, he roundhouse kicks a pig until it is dead.

Adam and Eve did not become afraid because they ate the fruit. They were afraid of Chuck Norris because they knew what was good for them.

Chuck Norris created Canada when he kicked all the Liberals out of America.

Chuck Norris does not go swimming, water just wants the be around hime

Chuck Norris doesn't use keys, he always kicks the door in.

Chuck Norris can sell BLT sandwiches in a Mosque.

The 1st time Chuck Norris tried bowling he rolled a 301.

Chuck Norris doesn't look at the weather forecast. He DECIDES what the weather will be.

Due to a temporal anomaly not yet fully understood, the sun does actually shine out of Chuck Norris' ass.

If you hold Chuck Norris's cowboys boot to your ear, you can hear the riff from 'Rock You Like a Hurricane.'

When Chuck Norris was in the fourth grade, he gave HIS TEACHER detention.

Chuck Norris can de-forest 5 acres of the Amazon using a butterknife, a boomerang, and a pair of pliers.

The Dali Lama said that violence is wrong. Chuck Norris backhanded him.

If Barney and Bob the Builder had a swimming contest, you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was never aware of the filming of Walker Texas Ranger

Chuck Norris asked his nurse to help him go take a piss. Chuck just had surgery and his Doctor told him not to lift anything over 10 pounds.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any greens or potatoes with his steak. He has a second steak.

James Cameron did not make Avatar Chuck Norris did he made it from a Text Message.

Chuck Norris can prepare a 5 star gourmet dinner out of dirt, toejam and Wheaties.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. Instead, he just dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can push himself in a wheelbarrow.

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.

Chuck Norris wouldn't touch you with a barge-pole. He will impale you with it.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris is a master of the ancient art of Feng Shui. He will without warning walk into your house, destroy all your furniture, choke you to death, then bill your family.

It is possible to look to the left and right at the same time with just a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris

A little know fact is that ObamaCare pays for Morphine, Oxycontin and reconstructive surgery for those few survivors of a Chuck Norris beating.

When Chuck Norris gets really mad, he raises the roof. LITERALLY.

Chuck Norris can wheelie a unicycle.

Some people install alarm systems. Others install Chuck Norris door mats. No one has the balls to walk on Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is a nightmare on freddie kruegers street

Chuck Norris is made of violence.

Making eye contact with Chuck Norris is a great way to get your spine removed

Chuck Norris once listened to an entire song....on mute

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.

If you're ever stupid enough to ask for Chuck Norris' credentials, expect to witness something completely mind-blowing and impossibly awesome just before your brutal death.

Chuck Norris' beard can speak most east Asian languages and several regional dialects, through surprisingly with a recognizably Irish accent to the native ear.

Chuck Norris can get a checkmate in only one move.

Chuck Norris wins Miss Universe with an Gorilla disguise

Chuck Norris can draw a square with only 3 lines...

Burger King once tried to sue Chuck Norris for copy write infringment because he has a sign on his front gate that says "Home of the Whopper". They lost

Chuck Norris has eyes in the back of his head. Yeah,literally - in the back of his head.

Chuck Norris' amps used to go to eleven, but he recently hot-rodded them so they now go to infinity.

The fastest and most effective way to die is to point a gun at Chuck Norris.

Don Juan was a real Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris makes big girls cry

The only time Chuck Norris says hi is never

Chuck Norris invented guns so the rest of us have a fighting chance....

Chuck Norris can knock you down with a feather. But he prefers a savage roundhouse kick to the brain.

Chuck Norris can run a nuclear power station using a rowing machine.

The very last cockroach that survives a nuclear holocaust will die under the boot-heel of Chuck Norris

When is Chuck Norris annoyed with you, he will cut your head and throw it to your face.

Chuck Norris once revived a dead, beached Humpback Whale by performing CPR and then throwing it back into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris can perform a three-point turn. With a tractor trailer. In an alley.

Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they invade

Chuck Norris once knocked himself out with his own line drive when he slid into second.

Chuck Norris eventually found God, terrified and in phoetal position. NO ONE hides from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can write Haiku verse in Hex.

We were created in Gods image, But God was created in Chuck Norris's image.

One day a man waves to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris got mad and roundhouse kicked him in the face today we know him know as the elephant man.

World History is simply a chronicling of events that Chuck Norris has let happen.

Chuck Norris got a new pet for his birthday. So far, he has taught his Tasmanian Devil to fetch, roll over and sit.

Chuck Norris fart is a powerfull letal gas, no one lives.

Chuck Norris always knows what time it is. It's time for you to die.

Chuck Norris once lovingly rubbed his beard across the face of a dying little girl in an attempt to reviver her. He succeeded in reviving her but his beard erased her entire face.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.

Steven Seagal once invited Chuck Norris over to his house and challenged him to a game billiards. Chuck Norris easily won by simply racking his balls for him.

Chuck Norris' dinner guests often throw up in their mouths, to savor his fine cooking all over again.

Chuck Norris got a blackjack with only one card

The Large Hadron Collider capable of destroying a planet, broke down after it collided with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris catches chopsticks with flies.

Chuck Norris won the Kentucky Derby by 15 lengths....riding a sawhorse.

The smell of Chuck Norris feet can scare a skunk.

Chuck Norris was never born; he just decided to exist.

Chuck Norris can climb waterfalls..

Humans start counting from 1. Computers start counting from 0. Chuck Norris starts counting from negative infinity.

Osama Bin Laden wasn't that good at hiding. Obama just had to pay Chuck Norris to go on holiday for one night

If you are next to Chuck Norris then you will always have perfect cell phone reception

Chuck Norris once broke a large anaconda's spine.

Knock knock. Whos there? Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris who? Chuck Norris is gonna roundhouse kick ya in the FACE

Chuck Norris is the real father of Katie Holmes' child. Don't believe me? Wait till she turns six and breaks Tom Cruise over her knee.

When Chuck Norris is asked the question "Ginger or Mary Ann?", he chuckles and replies, "Had 'em both!"

Chuck Norris once ate an entire wildebeest with a broken KFC spork.

Chuck Norris can literally kick a person's ass into next week. Their head will travel five days farther.

Elizabeth Taylor's last words were - "I only ever loved Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris can make your blood bleed, tears cry, and your sweat sweat.

If Chuck Norris ever knocked Chumbawumba down, they certainly would get up again.

Chuck Norris drinks a gallon of oil every day to lubricate his nerves of steel.

When Chuck Norris was younger, he wore cowboy boots, had a red beard and could deliver a fatal roundhouse kick. Knowing this one could imply that Chuck Norris has always been awesome.

Chuck Norris was supposed the be the main character for the LOST series. He turned down the role because he didnt want to be the only one FOUND

Chuck Norris has two dollar signs tattooed on his sack.

Chuck Norris was the only kid at the beach who could actually catch the seagulls.

When Chuck Norris was young, his friends played dodge ball. Chuck always enjoyed a good game of dodge crowbars.

Chuck Norris can timetravel by riding on a donkey. Infact that's how donkeys were introduced to the human civilization in 7000 B.C.

Chuck Norris can smell your fear just by looking at you.

Chuck Norris an translate Japanese sign language into Russian Pig Latin.

The Grim Reaper looked at Chuck Norris and was pantsed and round house kicked in the balls, at the same time a new born child was named: Chuck Alfred Norris Tomas, and died instantly.

Chuck Norris accidentally took down the internet by closing his browser.

Giving Chuck Norris head is the leading cause of amnesia.

Before snapping your neck, Chuck Norris will tell you the best shampoo you should have used.