🥋 General Facts

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with various non-American flags.

When Chuck Norris was a bartender he invented a drink called the "Colon Slammer". It was made with Vodka and Prune juice.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to his steroid use simply because Chuck Norris warned him that he would bite the other one off.

Chuck Norris can play Bach's Goldberg Variations on sitar, whilst accompanying himself on didgereedoo.

Chuck Norris ripped off an horrendous fart while lighting a cigar in the smoking lounge of the Hindenburg.

Neil Armstrong finally wore out Chuck Norris' patience.

What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes on in Chuck Norris' bedroom will haunt your dreams forever.

Chuck Norris went cliff diving off the coast of Sumatra in 2004. The rest is history.

A leisurely Sunday afternoon drive with Chuck Norris is like the first time a teen plays Grand Theft Auto.

Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.

For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.

Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.

Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.

When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.

If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.

Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow

Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.

Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....

Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.

No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.

Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris injects hot coffee directly into his eyeballs.

Chuck Norris always takes ice-cold showers, and he still steams up the bathroom.

Chuck Norris watches the Watchmen...

So it seems sleep has a cousin named death and Chuck Norris is sleeps Uncle which makes Chuck Norris Death's dad! Oh man i feel sorry for death's boyfriend!

Chuck Norris was in the US Air Force in Korea. He flew 27 kamikaze missions without a helmet.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.

Chuck Norris never runs out of things to kick.

Chuck Norris can reverse Convection.

Chuck Norris can read with his eyes closed and sleep with his eyes open just incase

Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's dreams.

'Tsunami' is japanese for 'Chuck Norris san'

When Chuck Norris watches a movie, you can notice an unmistakable fear on the faces of the actors on the screen.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

Chuck Norris urinates while doing a hand-stand on the toilet seat.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.

Dont ever tell Chuck Norris you like unexpected surprises.

Chuck Norris's spit is the cure(they dont want you to know) for the swine flu

Do you seriously think that McDonalds came up with the slogan "would you like fries with that"? Everyone knows that is what Chuck Norris tells his victims immediately proceeding a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris' dandruff has the same properties as finely crushed glass.

Whenever Chuck Norris sees a world touched by war, thousands of soldiers dying and mortars exploding, guns guns and more guns are firing....He really just wants to nuke the crap outta it.

Chuck Norris once ate a marketing director's heart.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

Chuck Norris can change a Diesel engine's spark plugs.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.