All Chuck Norris Facts

In lieu of shark week. When Chuck Norris goes shark diving. It's the sharks that jump into a steel cage for their protection.

What happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so modest that his ranch isn't called "Chuck Norris's ranch." It is simply called "Texas".

When Chuck Norris ironed his clothes the steam was blood

If Charlie S+heen is winning, its only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

Chuck Norris beat Mark Spitz's Olympic and world record 200 meter butterfy time by swimming through the WAL*MART concrete parking lot while chained to two dead bull elephants and a pregnant rhino.

SpaceX is planning the biggest IPO in history. Chuck Norris once went public and the stock market retired.

Kryptonite is Chuck Norris' birthstone.

Hot news from the Vatican...white smoke appears. Chuck Norris has been elected Pope! All ye of faith, welcome Pope Charles deNoir-iz Kikyorectumis.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat Oreos.... He eats Norreos.

Hannibal Lecter wears a "Chuck Norris is a badass" T-shirt.

Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not the frieght train called Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not checkmate. He Chuckmates.

After rigorous medical testing it was agreed that Anabolic Steriods are an exact match to Chuck Norris's urine

Chuck Norris recently created a new genre of music, by fusing country music with East Coast gansta rap and Swedish death metal while incorporating elements of Tibetian throat-singing. He calls it Norrisound.

Chuck Norris was once offered the title of "The American Man" but declined it, For Chuck Norris is to awsome to be claimed by any country.

Before the Boogyman goes to bed at night, he checks in his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can un-spike punch.

Some people show off by ripping phone books in half. Chuck Norris can rip them back into one piece.

Chuck Norris said Daryl Dixon is almost as much a badass as me. Almost.

The drink doesn't choke Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris chokes the drink.

The real reason dinosaurs are extenct is because Chuck Norris went back in time.

While some people prefer peanut butter or jam on their toast, Chuck Norris prefers napalm.

When Chuck Norris goes for broke, he always ends up with millions more.

Superman is afraid of only two things, kryptonite--and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once pissed in a gas tank of a semi truck as a joke......that truck is now know as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris will only eat a Plantain Split.

Chuck Norris won the 2011 Texas Holdem championship by bluffing the last hand while his down cards were the Joker & the Old Maid.

Chuck Norris is so hard he jumped from the effiel tower broke both his legs and walked to the hospital

Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar says ow.

In an objective, scientific sense, looking at an image of Chuck Norris erodes your soul.

Chuck Norris is allowed to put Baby in the corner.

The only time Chuck Norris ever displays any sort of mercy is when his hemorrhoids are bleeding.

At some point during his annual week long African safari hunts, Chuck Norris always finds the time to enjoy atleast one night of elephant tipping.

Facebook, not only a social networking site but also the shape your face takes when roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

Every pet Chuck Norris has owned could shoot laser beams out of there eyes

The Truth will set you free; Chuck Norris will set you on fire!

Only one person ever disagreed that the BIg Bang was the birth of Chuck Norris and survived, Stephen Hawkins

Chuck Norris recently broke Harrison Ford's ankle while he was busy banging Carrie Fisher on the Star Wars set.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris once sued the makers of the game 'Command And Conquer' for stealing the name of what he likes to do when attending a frat party.

Chuck Norris hungers only for vengeance.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out....then roundhouse kicked them through an oldsmobile.

Bigfoot has a picture of Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris says he has the power of attorney, he simply means he has the power (and desire) to beat you to death with one.

Chuck Norris can beat the impossible game......without dying.

Chuck Norris is a lot like Dr. Dre: you should never, ever forget about him. Similarly, nor should you talk about guns like he ain't got none.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word known to man... except mercy.

Once at a college frat party, Chuck Norris copleted a 2 1/2 gainer in tuck position from a chandelier into a punch bowl.

Once Chuck Norris installed an internet in his windmill.

For Chuck Norris, pain truly is the cleanser.

Chuck Norris once punched a smartass so hard he was stopped for speeding 6 blocks away.

The police routinely question Chuck Norris just because they find him interesting.

Chuck Norris is the only true American patriot. If you suspect that .... you are gonna die by a swift roundhouse kick to your face. Nobody has ever found out who the kicker is.

Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.

Chuck Norris completed his bucket list when he was 14. He officially retired that year.

Chuck Norris can beat The Impossible Quiz with 0 losses.

The California Redwood forest is Chuck Norris toothpick factory

Why did Colonel Sanders throw away his military career to fry chicken? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can run so fast, he can actually shoot an apple off of his own head

looking at Chuck Norris stare at me on this web page is scaring me

"The Bride of Chucky" might be a scary movie. But "The Beard of Chuck" is even scarier... Chuck Norris FTW......

The so-called imaginary numbers used to be real numbers, till Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them to oblivion. This incident is also responsible for most of the mysteries of the Universe.

Chuck Norris once started a forest fire by clanging the wrecking balls down his pants together.

Chuck Norris has his own brand of cereal. Roundhouse Crunch

Chuck Norris has a beard made of Brillo Pads

An average guy going up against Chuck Norris would be like Woody Allen going into the ring with Mike Tyson.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris.

"If it bleed... we can kill it" Chuck Norris on the set of Predator trying to steal Arny's job.

Whenever Chuck Norris gets mad he beats up the pillows in his couch.

Chuck Norris demanded he be awarded a Nobel Prize or else he would destroy the world. To appease the great destroyer, the Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 1947 to Chuck Norris and Gandhi. Chuck Norris killed Gandhi the next day.

Chuck Norris breathes fire, has laser eyes, spits acid, and pisses lava.

Chuck Norris has so many friends on facebook, he needs 3 accounts

All is Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris is All.

Chuck Norris was the first actor cast to play John McClane, the movies were originally called "Kills Easily"

Chuck Norris is edgier than all the ghettos of Detroit.

A man once created a voodoo doll to exact vengeance upon Chuck Norris. As soon as he finished it, it immediately came to life in his hands and choked him to death.

Unlike a Timex, Chuck Norris' opponents take a licking and they don't keep on ticking.

Chuck Norris' house pet is The Kraken. If you approach Chuck Norris' house uninvited, Chuck Norris will "release The Kraken".

Whenever you knock on wood, that's Chuck Norris' cue to hack an orphan to death.

Mickey Mantle's longest home run travelled about 565 feet from home plate Chuck Norris' longest home run travelled about 565 light years from home plate.

Chuck Norris is going to kill you if you read this and hes gonna do it with a feather that is how he rolls

Bruce Lee didn't actually kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris was just bored of fighting so he took a nap

Stephen King refused to write Chuck Norris' biography, as he considered the story too 'scary and gruesome'. An enraged Norris ran him over in a panel van, then framed a hillbilly for it.

Facebook was originally Chuck Norris's personal webpage of pictures of the people he has roundhouse kicked in face.It filled up with so many people it leaked onto the internet.

Prophet Muhammad is afraid to draw Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris turned lead into gold.

If you see Chuck Norris fighting a bear, don't help Chuck Norris, help the bear. "

Chuck Norris can slap a schizophrenic sane.

When Chuck Norris goes to the beach, he doesn't need sunblock, the sun needs Chuckblock.

When E.F. Hutton spoke, people listened. That's because his friend Chuck Norris was ready to throttle any dumbass who wasn't paying attention.

Chuck Norris does not have a shadow. Who wants to get caught sneaking up behind Chuck Norris.

Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass. And in legal terms so is a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to 'said same'.

Chuck Norris made a pair of toy X-Ray vision glasses really work.

Chuck Norris once developed a severe case of upset stomach after eating an entire live rhino. He had to pull the pin and swallow a live hand grenade just to be able to burp.

Chuck Norris can shoot men with a knife.

Chuck Norris' calendar always has February 29th. Nothing skips Chuck Norris, not even time.

Chuck Norris knows 10 different ways to spell Bob