All Chuck Norris Facts

The Military has nothing on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the real ARMY OF ONE!!!

Chuck Norris has only one fear...that's why there are no mirrors in his house

Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers.

Chuck Norris invented the A-Team so that at some point in time he could devour them and become four times as awesome.

Foghorn Leghorn to Chuck Norris: "Listen to me, I say, pay attention to me boy when I'm talkin to ya!" Chuck Norris: "Anybody care for some chicken fricassee?"

Chuck Norris gives computers viruses

Chuck Norris knows where it's at. It's at his house.

Ron Jeremy is jealous of only one man: Chuck Norris.

Don't hate the playa, or the game... hate Chuck Norris. Then prepare to die.

Chuck Norris plucks his nose hairs with a set of vise grips.

You can do what you want in international waters... that's why Chuck Norris filled his Jacuzzi with international water

Schrodinger's Cat is not simultaneously dead and alive. Schrodinger's Cat is dead OR alive dependent on whether E=CN.(Chuck Norris)

Chuck Norris breeds twelve-thousand horsepower horses

God help anyone who attends a Chuck Norris poetry slam.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Amish men grow beards.

Chuck Norris does die, but is reborn an adult seconds after he dies.

Chuck Norris can talk backwards. In Chinese.

Chuck Norris once went fishing, but then ended up fighting a shark and roundhouse kicking it into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris wears white after Labor Day.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you into yourself, and then kick the you that's within yourself into outer space.

10 out of 10 Doctors agree that a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick will kill every thing in a 10 mile radius.

It isn't what Chuck Norris would do for a Klondike bar, but more so, what a Klondike bar would do for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was asked if he would date Rosie O'Donnell? Chuck said "I'd rather shove a lit match up my pee-hole".

Chuck Norris has never lost "The Game."

Any conservitive estimate of the amount of presents Chuck Norris has received each year for Christmas is still in the billions.

Chuck Norris' moustache & beard is actually a cleverly disguised manicured extension of his nasal hair just simply because it is impossible for him to grow hair on his steel jaw.

If you ever use the expression 'it happens to the best of us' around Chuck Norris, get ready for something violent to happen to you.

Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop. He can then locate it by sense of smell, and kill you with it.

Legend has it that a weak, sickly 6 year boy named Chuck Norris was thrown into the River Styx by a gang of 10 year old bullies. The bullies were never seen or heard of again.

Chuck Norris Does not get DUI's. Police officers go missing.

After The Hulk lost an arm wrestling contest with Chuck Norris, he turned green with envy.

Chuck Norris fought the law and the law won .. NOT!

Whenever Chuck Norris gets deja vu, people come back to life.

Arnold was elected for governor of California because Chuck Norris voted for him.

Chuck Norris doesn't take the front door. He takes the front wall as his entrance.

No woman can say no to Chuck Norris, because the only person who can deny Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. When he's smiling while roundhouse kicking someone, then two people die.

Chuck Norris can do a round house kick on his knees.

Chuck Norris created his own language with signs such as roundhouse kicking people in the face. So if Chuck Norris is kicking your ass one day, he may just be saying that he likes your hat.

Jiggy gets Chuck Norris widdit.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elboe.

Chuck Norris beat Nintendo's "Where's Waldo?" on a black and white television.

Chuck Norris and mr. T walked into a bar together. seconds later, that bar imploded. that much awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris CAN argue with a man holding a running chainsaw.

If you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, you are probably between Chuck Norris' foot and a brick wall.

Chuck Norris isn't as tuff as everyone says. What was that? It just sounded like someone kicked my door down.

Chuck Norris once round house a chevy and a ford was invented

Chuck Norris knows who shot J.R

It goes without saying that non-smoking laws do NOT apply to Chuck Norris. Gas stations, maternity wards, fireworks factories, the White House, wherever he is, he'll strike a match off your face an blow a huge plume into it. Then roundhouse kick you.

upChuck is a term now used to describe how far in the air you fly when Chuck Norris kicks your ass.

Superman is able to leap tall buidings in a single bound. Chuck Norris is able to tell them to get the hell out of his way.

Einstein may have invented the therory of relativity- Chuck Norris invented the reality of kicking ass.

If you stand in front of a candlelit mirror at midnight and chant the name of Chuck Norris three times, his fist will smash through the wall and your face before you even complete the first syllable.

Chuck Norris washes his pennis with Pine-Sol and a wire brush.

Every time someone types 'Chuck Norris', a gas station explodes.

Chuck Norris once made a cannibal eat a bowl of creamed asparagus soup.

Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at Mcdonald's, and got one!!!!!!

Chuck Norris' Texas Ranger softball team won unexpectedly 150 to 0 in the bottom first inning when in foul territory he ran down and caught a Golden Snitch.

Chuck Norris keeps a boazooka and a gatling gun in his glove compartment.

Chuck Norris and Super man had a bet,the bet was the looser had to wear his underwear out of his pants.

You will never see a Sasquatch because they're not about to risk running into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so badass, he takes out his USB without safely removing...

When Chuck Norris goes swimmimg in the ocean, the sharks panic.

Chuck Norris once wrote & published a book titled 'Under the Bleachers" under his pen name of Seymore Butts.

Chuck Norris can beat an Englishman in an impersonating British accents.

The day after Chuck Norris was born, his afterbirth enlisted as a Navy Seal.

You can sometimes guess what Chuck Norris is about to do to you by listening to the music that plays out of nowhere when he settles his terrifying glare on you.

Whenever Chuck Norris sees a Best Buy, he burns it to the ground, because he firmly believes that a total gym for three payments of 19.99 is the best buy you'll ever find.

Chuck Norris once had AIDS and cancer - for breakfast.

Chuck Norris can drive a frieght train, trim his toenails and butcher a steer at the same time time.

There are two kinds of women in the world; those who have slept with Chuck Norris, and those who want to.

By adding only a few herbs & spices, Chuck Norris makes a delightful vinegar tea.

Chuck Norris can mess with the Zohan.

Chuck Norris can pull your entire skeletal system through any orifice on your body.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat vegetables, because they don't beg for mercy.

One of the most notorious and highly sought-after unreleased albums ever made was the legendary collaboration between Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson, 'Moonwalker: Texas Ranger'.

Chuck Norris will never die. Every time Death pays him a visit, Chuck Norris will kick his ass with a roundhouse kick in the face.

A deadly Texas Tornardo knows better than to damage or destroy any property or anything that belongs to Chuck Norris or any of his family if the Tornardo knows what is best for it because Chuck Norris is God.

Chuck Norris taught Bane how to be a chiropractor

The upcoming Blade Runner: Definitive Edition has a newly-restored voice-over narration by Chuck Norris

Remember what happens in the movie "Candyman" when you say his name three times if you try to say Chuck Norris name three times you wouldn't get the chance to say the last two before he roundhouse kicks your face.

There was supposed to be a Office 2008 but the spell check on word failed to capitalize Chuck Norris's name so he round house kicked it out of existence.

Nobody even survives the audio commentary of Chuck Norris' movies.

Chuck Norris can hit a banjo in the butt with a bull.

Chuck Norris considers hurricane force winds to be "a nice breeze".

If Chuck Norris were to glare at 'The Situation' it would instantly transform him into a beer bellied redneck hog farmer.

Chuck Norris is the only man in history to win a Tag Team championship solo.

If you see Chuck Norris, and he's moving, it's already too late to run.

It was once known as "The Bad Humor" ice cream, ice cream truck and ice cream man. Then,Chuck Norris resigned.

You become aware that Chuck Norris has just roundhouse kicked you in the face when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and find out it's the floor.

Many a cowboy has ridden a brahma bull barebacked. Chuck Norris has ridden many a grizzly bear bullbacked.

How come so many Godzilla movies were made? Because they never hired Chuck Norris to kill him off once and for all.

Chuck Norris once downloaded the entire Internet

Chuck Norris can crush walnuts between his ass-cheeks. He can also do this to beer kegs and human skulls.

Dont waste your time. Die from Chuck Norris! :D

Chuck Norris can pleasure a woman by simply pointing his fingers and saying "Booyah".

It is against Islamic law to depict Mohammed. But no one has ever called Chuck Norris on ripping Mohammed's balls off. They're in the Smithsonian.

Chuck Norris doesn't get frostbite, Chuck Norris bites the frost.

Chuck Norris can sit on the dock of the bay and watch the tide roll away, without wasting a second of time.

Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know as the Bermuda triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers