All Chuck Norris Facts

John Connor once said that humans' have a strength that cannot be measured. It is now apparent he was speaking of Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris picking his nose, its best not to say anything.

Chuck Norris's poster once kicked my ass and put me in the Hospital for a year.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, He steps on Necks!!!

Chuck Norris is accepted into any gang. Blood or Crip

Chuck Norris use's hand sanitizer as eye drops.

Chuck Norris is so Right-Wing he plays Pin the Blambe on the Donkey.

Chuck Norris is Death of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He kills by the grace of the roundhouse kick, and he rides a bull. The others dare not question him.

Chuck Norris uses a cement mixer filled with silk pillows as a fleshlight.

The following is the complete list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death is just to afriid to tell him.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

If you look closely, you can see Chuck Norris in the background of every scene in 'Avatar'.

Chuck Norris completed all missions on his "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warefare" game when set, on Prestige Level 55 "Deathmatch" setting & while standing on his head, blindfolded, hancuffed and wearing earplugs. And with his Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris has already won the Tour De France whilst sitting on a tortoise's back with no legs. In 2015.

Chuck Norris thought that he had a bug crawling up his nose. Turned out it'snot.

Whenever Chuck Norris gets a massage, he gives the female masseuse a happy ending.

Chuck Norris' car keys have killed many a man.

Lebron James saw Chuck Norris wearing a Spurs cap and he cramped up.

Chuck Norris can hit a golf ball twice with one swing.

Chuck Norris went back in time and punched Moses in the face, just to prove that he could do it.

Chuck Norris went to burger king and got an egg McMuffin sandwich at 4pm

Chuck Norris wrote names in a black book.That book is known as Death Note.

Chuck Norris once got a 500 game in bowling. Without a ball. Or pins. Or oxygen. And nobody has ever worked up the courage to ask him how.

Chuck Norris can climb Mount Everest with his eyes closed and his arms tied behind his back. He does that every morning to worm-up.

Hugh Jackman is an actor. Wolverine. Chuck Norris is real. Now get roundhoused to your next movie...like a man, Hugh Wackman!

Chuck Norris was in Terminator 2. He was Judgement Day.

After drinking 5 cups of coffee, Chuck Norris stepped behind a tree and pissed so hard he knocked a Cessna 172 out of the air in mid flight.

Steven Segal onece challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. this is why Steven Segal talks funny

Contrary to the popular idiom, it was in fact a Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick and not a straw that broke the camel's back.

Chuck Norris can pay attention... in cash.

Chuck Norris once farted on someone and was a very gross one that the man got sick with a disease. This disease is now what we call: Ebola.

Police dime criminals out to Chuck Norris.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind was beer. Chuck Norris invented beer. Granted, the wheel was also a fine invention but you can't serve a wheel with pizza which was also invented by Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris Facts sites are actually pages taken from Chuck Norris daily diary

Chuck Norris gets 5% cash back on all hand written checks.

Chuck Norris can tell you that he likes Dr. Pepper... with a straight face.

Chuck Norris perportadly walked into a salon for a pedicure. Nine months later 17 redheaded baby boys were born in local hospitals.

Chuck Norris can kill you in an instant. seriously.

Jimmy crack corn, so Chuck Norris cracked his neck.

Chuck Norris once had an interim job at Denny's. Not because he couldn't get a better job, because of his ability to unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris was at a rap concert once and the rapper told everyone to raise the roof. Promptly afterward he killed the rapper with a swift roundhouse kick to the face. No one tells Chuck Norris what to do.

Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa didn't really take steriods, they just got batting tips from Chuck Norris

The only way to defeat Chuck Norris is to kill yourself, and beat him to the punch

Lance Armstrong wears LiveStrong braceltes. When Chuck Norris gets finished with him his bracelets should read DeadWeak.

When Chuck Norris speaks French, he doesn't sound gay.

Chuck Norris can make Jenny leave the Block.

Chuck Norris can text/watch videos/surf the web.... on a payphone.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can fly a helicopter up-side-down. He uses it to mow his lawn.

No one truly knows who's Chuck Norris' real father. No one is biologically strong enough for this. He must've conceived himself.

When Chuck Norris walks into a bar, he automatically owns all the women inside and instantly has an infinite tab.

Some people can slide down stair banisters. Chuck Norris can slide UP down escalators.

Chuck Norris was the only senior in his high school.

Sudden Death is: a. a crappy movie starring an even crappier Jean Claude Van Damme b. the way playoff overtimes are decided in the NHL c. what happens to you when you piss off Chuck Norris d. all of the above

All people with hemorrhoids have been the recipient of a Chuck Norris roundhose kick to the mouth that was delivered so severely that it caused their tounge, tonsils and adenoids to protrude from their asshole.

The Vatican's latest fundraiser is selling WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do) braclets.

Chuck Norris can lose his king and still win a chess game

Chuck Norris once punched a hurricane in its eye.

Chuck Norris can literally hand you your ass in a handbag. And then pull it out and kick it up between your ears.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Katy Perry kissed a girl to get attention from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an illusion. His right foot doesn't kick you. His left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, his parents used a jack-hammer to excise his zits.

When you ask Chuck Norris for directions, he'll give you a roundhouse-kick to the face and you'll land exactly where you need to be.

if you open a mail from Chuck Norris, it kills you.

some say that Chuck Norris' blood is green, too bad we'll never know

McDonald's got the idea of putting "Billions Served" on their signs after their founder visited Chuck Norris' house and saw his "Billions of Heads Severed" plaque on the wall.

Chuck Norris was once stopped by police and given a breath test. He inhaled the breathalyzer.

Chuck Norris invented tear gas by squeezing the stink out of a skunk.

Most folks that eat a bowl of Chuck Norris' Texas style ham & beans immediately blow out thier O-ring.

Chuck Norris can slice meat so thin it only has one side.

If you look into Chuck Norris' eyes for a few seconds, you will feel a little pee coming out.

Chuck Norris owns property in the Uncanny Valley

Chuck Norris is so awesome, he caused blindness to the whole bat species just by his sheer awesomeness. Infact, if you listen intently all the bats shriek "Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris!".

Chuck Norris lives in the guest house at his Texas palatial estate. Only his main house mansion is spacious enough to store all of his guns, ammo and ninja death stars.

Chuck Norris doesnt use dental floss...he uses barbed wire

In the filming of "The Way Of The Dragon", Chuck Norris was heavilly bribed to lose to Bruce Lee.

Chuck Norris can shoot you down by the Ctrl-Alt-Del menu.

Nostradamus didn't predict his spectacular beheading by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can solve a paradox.

Chuck Norris can tell a 'yo mama' joke that is so perfect, your head will explode.

Chuck Norris pleasures himself with a battery post cleaner.

Chuck Norris once went to the doctors for a needle, but instead of the needle piercing Chuck Norris' skin, Chuck Norris' skin pierced the needle.

Chuck Norris loves all of his dogs, cats and horses .... with onions and gravy paired with a yak cheese, condor foie gras schmear on melba toast and a gallon jug of muscatel.

Chuck Norris Does not use Total Gym, Total Gym uses Chuck Norris, But then again No one Uses Chuck Norris So Chuck Norris Uses ToTal Gym!

Chuck Norris invented Thomas Edison

The limit of Chuck Norris as he approaches infinity does not exist because Chuck Norris has no limits.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in such a way that you become incapable of dying, and just do a little worse every day.

Chuck Norris was hiking in the Pacific Northwest when a Sasquatch had the misfortune of coming face to face with him. Chuck beat the Sasquatch silly then ate his lunch.

jaggar has the moves like Chuck Norris

two teams of Chuck Norris's playing 'red rover' is what actually birthed the universe.

Chuck Norris...the Man, the Legend, but never the Myth.

Some people think they're cool if they walk across hot coals. Chuck Norris regularly breakdances on them.

Chuck Norris was out for a hike when he came face to face with a Grizzly Bear. Witnesses say after screaming loudly, the bear ran whimpering into the woods.

Chuck Norris is the reason why the words "Bad" and "Ass" came together

I played Madden football 18 times with Chuck Norris back in 2007 and we had the Patriots. Chuck opted to simulate the Super Bowl and the Giants beat us 17-14, coincidence? You be the judge....

Chuck Norris can complete a 1440, triple pump, two hand monster dunk from the midcourt line.

Someone once asked Chuck Norris if he had the time...and Chuck said "yes, and it's mine to keep"

Chuck Norris made a turkey by catching a live one, eating it,and throwing it up.

Everytime Chuck Norris lands on a property in a game of monopoly he gets paid