All Chuck Norris Facts

Every baby cries when they are born, because an image of Chuck Norris pops into there minds.

Chuck Norris crab fishes the Bearing Sea using only a snorkel and a laundry basket.

Chuck Norris has yet to see himself, because every mirror that tries to reflect Chuck Norris shatters instantly.

When Chuck Norris says "pull my finger", plan on being cloaked in and smothered to death in brown vapor.

Chuck Norris can put his coat on before his shirt.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cher and turned back time.

ChuCk Norris looks better of facebook..

The Terminator needs your clothes, boots and your motorcycle, because Chuck Norris took his.

Chuck Norris can make a movie with 75 cents and a dirty look.

When Mark Zuckerberg invented facebook he had a friend request from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris set the world record in Pole Vaulting using a tooth pick.

Chuck Norris was originally cast for the starring role in Jaws, but the shark backed out of the project.

Chuck Norris doesn't laugh in the face of danger, he makes danger Laugh at its self.

When you bet, you are engaging in gambling. When Chuck Norris bets, he is engaging in winning.

Chuck Norris could solve every division and subtraction problem since he started martial arts.

Chuck Norris once hit a deer with a car ..... a parked car !

Chuck Norris only has good cholesterol because low serum cholesterol is afraid to show up in his bloodstream.

Chuck Norris doesn't pole dance because the pole dances around him.

Niagra Falls, is not really a waterfall, It's just what happens when Chuck Norris gets done with a night of drinking.

A cop stopped Chuck Norris for speeding. When he realized what he had done, the cop wrote himself a ticket for Contempt of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris bought a can of Pringles. Once he popped he did stop.

Google uses Chuck Norris as a search engine.

Toll takers PAY Chuck Norris to cross the Golden Gate Bridge.

Chuck Norris doesnt fight, he just lets you lose.

Santa Claus skipped Chuck Norris' house ONCE.... When Santa arrived back at the North Pole Mrs Clause was pregnant with Chuck's baby.

Mike Tyson was overheard saying he would bite a live cobra before he would bite Chuck Norris' ear.

Chuck Norris once rammed a banjo up a bull's butt, and then hit it.

You do not smash Chuck Norris's mailbox.Chuck Norris smashes you with Chuck Norris's mailbox.

Chuck Norris' bidet is hooked up to a municipal fire hydrant.

Chuck Norris is going to star in a film called "Twitter." He will portray 140 characters.

Chuck Norris went back in time, to show himself how to go back in time in case he ever needed to go back in time

Chuck Norris can rub two fire's together and make wood

Chuck Norris is so tough you could sharpen a knife just by holding it in the air next to his face.

While on vacation in Scotland, Chuck Norris saw the Loch Ness Monster...then humped it.

Bald people once did have hair. Until they saw Chuck Norris.

A Texas Hwy Patrol officer followed Chuck Norris for 95 miles, observed him throw out 27 beer cans then pulled him over and gave him a written warning for littering.

When all else fails.....Chuck Norris doesn't.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris sired a baseball team...and a football team if you count all of the bastards.

Chuck Norris is the reason pugs have flat faces.

Chuck Norris puts Baby in the corner.

Chuck Norris can spam faster than anyone in the whole world. The speed is 0. that means infinity words per second.

Chuck Norris does not have hemorrhoids. That's because when he feels one growing on his asshole, he pinches it off with his steely fingernails and feeds it to Cedric, his pet tarantula.

Chuck Norris can do burnouts in a U-boat.

Chuck Norris' carpet is made of loose LEGO bricks

If you killed Chuck Norris, thats not Chuck Norris, hes behind you.

What the difference between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is a poet, and damn straight he knows it.

Chuck Norris drives a solar powered car at night.

In one particularly gruesome confrontation, Chuck Norris shaved all the hair off of a man's head and then forced him to eat it. That man today is Vin Diesel.

While teaching a CPR course, Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life

Chuck Norris once competed in the Tour de France riding a unicycle backwards with an elephant on his back. He crossed the finish line 5 days before the runner-up.

Chuck Norris is the Grand Master Leader of Anonymous, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Ordo Templi Orientis, Skull and Bones and the Loyal Order of the Face Smashers.

The expression 'keep your eyes peeled' originated from a horrifying incident involving Chuck Norris, a bowie knife, and some unlucky asshole.

When Chuck Norris looks at the clock, he knows that the times not right. Because he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris keeps his black belt tied in a bow around his wang.

50,000 years ago Chuck Norris destroyed the dinosaurs. Now... HE'S COMING FOR YOU!!!

Fear itself fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris beats the crap out of people who can't come up with their own Chuck Norris-jokes.

Chuck Norris turned down the role of Han Solo's father.

Chuck Norris baths in acid because its the only thing strong enough to clean him.

Alcohol only makes Chuck Norris a stronger, louder, more efficient American killing machine.

Chuck Norris once won a staredown over a walkie talkie.

The last time Chuck Norris went carolling, he wound up getting signed to a five-album solo contract with Sony.

If Chuck Norris had starred in "Jaws" it would have been called "Dentures"

Chuck Norris' auto biography is the best selling book of all time, it's called the bible

Michael Jackson developed the moonwalk by studying footage of Chuck Norris wiping his feet.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups he just pushes the earth down.

For the next debate, Chuck Norris has volunteered to stuff all of the remaining GOP Presidential candidates into the tiny cicrus clown car they use for their arrival to the debate venue.

Chuck Norris loans money to the World Bank.

Chuck Norris can smoke a whole bush of ganja without getting stoned.

Most atheists agree that Chuck Norris is God's gift to mankind

Chuck Norris can create a Black Hole.

Chuck Norris doesn't use mouthwash, he uses potassium cyanide.

Only diamonds can cut diamonds, but only Chuck Norris can mould them like clay.

Chuck Norris is very skilled as a teacher, at the point where he teach a new trick to a newborn puppy.

Chuck Norris walked into a catholic church. He was asked by parents to piss in the holy water so their children could be baptized.

Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat.

Chuck Norris. No need for any text here.

Human beings celebrate new years. Chuck Norris celebrates new seconds - and go about with his roundhouse kicking business. That's how fast Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can name all 493 pokemon...BACKWORDS

When Chuck Norris was little, his friends had pet Goldfish. Chuck had a pet Piranha.

Chuck Norris once went into target to buy a target for his target shooting practice, but couldn't find one. So he had no choice but to used the store.

For Halloween, instead of using pumpkins, Chuck Norris uses Yakuza heads.

They gave Chuck Norris the lethal injection and he caught a buzz

Neuralink implants a chip in your brain so you can control computers with your mind. Chuck Norris controls computers by staring at them disapprovingly.

Chuck Norris can think Amy Schumer isn't funny without being labelled a woman-hater.

Chuck Norris balls is where u get the term, you dont have the stones.

Chuck Norris can't defy gravity. Gravity would never oppose him.

Life is in no way as large as Chuck Norris

All the women-attracting pheromones included in body sprays and colognes come from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is recommending that his friends build tree houses because zombies can not climb trees.

Any communicable disease passed by Chuck Norris can kill you, including the common cold.

The reason Cobra Commander wears a mask coz his face was disfigured by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris by simply mentioning his name.

If Chuck Norris were to write a book it would read like the obituary.

Did you know if you watch the editors cut of Wizard of Oz, theres and alternate ending where Chuck Norris round house kicks Dorothys house back to Kansas... it shortened the movie drastically and the director decided not to use it... true story.

We didnt start the fire............ It was always burning when Chuck Norris Started it. We didnt start the fire.............

Chuck Norris wrote & owns copyrights of the song, "Happy Birthday"

Stop signs are actually warnings that Chuck Norris is passing by.

Chuck Norris killed a tiger. Now, Rocky Balboa is the eye of Chuck Norris.