All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris knows what he's gonna get in a box of chocolates

chucky looked under the bed... he never came out people today say it was CHUCK NORRIS

Bill Gates recently received a video tape of Chuck Norris holding up Steve Jobs' severed head and repeating 'you're next, egghead'.

Chuck Norris has many private vacation homes. Some examples are: Area 51, The Bermuda Triangle, and Fort Nox.

Chuck Norris never kill people. There are only people who killed themselves by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris irons his clothes by wearing them.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Mr Lawrence Thread so hard all that was left of his name was Mr T.

Chuck Norris can slit your throat with his pinkie toenail.

Everybody knows that Chuck Norris blows smoke rings when he smokes cigars. But did you know that after eating Texas Chili, he often shows-off by blowing blazing fart rings.

Chuck Norris wrote down that 1+1=4 on a math test and got it right.

If Chuck Norris was a twilight vampire, he wouldn't sparkle, he'd blind you for life b/c nobody will ever see Chuck Norris as such a travisty

Chuck Norris told Ripley to Believe it or else!

Chuck Norris can retract his beard, wolverine-style, at will. It makes that metallic sound and everything.

Google queries Chuck Norris' brain for search results.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with notebook paper

McGayver can make a plane with anything. But Chuck Norris comes and takes the plane.

You have no idea just how many hemorrhoids one person could possibly have until Chuck Norris takes his foot out of your ass.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once did a woman so hard she looked like an exploded hot pocket.

It's the assholes like John West that Chuck Norris brutally roundhouse kicks, that makes Chuck Norris the best.

7 seniors took Chuck Norris Snipe hunting in the woods when he was a freshman in high school. He killed 19 Snipes, a grizzly bear and 3 timber wolves. Oddly, the 7 seniors are still missing.

BAD IDEA-Following Chuck Norris on Twiter WORSE IDEA-Following Chuck Norris in person NO ONE follows Chuck Norris and lives

NASA has found a replacement for the space shuttle. They are calling it Chuck Norris's arm.

Chuck Norris' parents tried to make him eat peas when he was a kid. Chuck Norris ate his parents.

CHUCK NORRIS ONCE DONE THE SPLITS ON 2 VAN DAMMES

If you add Chuck Norris to your friends list, all your other friends will instantly disappear. You don't need them anymore.

All of Chuck Norris' fingers are trigger fingers.

Human beings are roughly 60 percent water. Chuck Norris is roughly 80 percent whiskey, and the other 20 percent is barely restrained fury.

Chuck Norris went bungy jumping without a harness.

The actual definition of thunder is Chuck Norris coming to kill you.

Chuck Norris uses the dimensional tear in his kitchen as a garbage disposal.

Chuck Norris' jock strap has 2 bag restraint holders.

Chuck Norris can sing the alphabet from Z to A

Sorry, ..., but this fact has been deleted by Chuck Norris. It will be reposted. Chuck Norris will not delete it that time.

Chuck Norris can squeeze blood from a stone. He must feed his children.

Chuck Norris killed Death twice.

Chuck Norris was hiking and suddenly came face to face with a huge Grizzley bear. After a desperate foot chase, Chuck caught the bear, slapped it stupid and told it "don't EVER do that again".

Every time an earthquake happens, we know that Chuck Norris is banging a chick from Haiti.

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music. Music listens to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason that the Army had to change their slogan, "Army of One".

a man knocked on Chuck Norris' door and asked for an autograph. Chuck delivered a fatal Round House. A few days later, feeling sorry he walked into his back yard and signed the head of the carcus

Chuck Norris used to bulls eye Lukes T-16 in his T-16 back home.

Chuck Norris can make love AND wage war at the same time.

Chuck Norris set a world record in the 100 yard dash at 8.2 seconds. In doing so, he also set the world record for the mile run as he lapped all opponets in the 100 yard dash 18 times.

A circus clown once bumped into Chuck Norris. It took him only three seconds to twist the clown into an animal balloon.

Chuck Norris once had an awkward moment. Just to see what it feels like.

Chuck Norris just bought Gov Rick Perry's family hunting property. He immediately repainted the sign to read: "Gimme Some Head".

"Everybody Hates Chris" was originally called "Chuck Norris hates Chris"

Chuck Norris did not attend school. The school attended him. Chuck Norris did not go to college. The college came to him.

Chuck Norris was issued his first driver's license at the age of 16...seconds.

Chuck Norris didn't go to college, the college came to him.

Chucky is actually Chuck Norris' son.......wait what the fu-

This Halloween, Miley Cyrus wants to go Twerk or Treating at Chuck Norris' house. Epic failure!

When it is raining, Chuck Norris is thinking of something sad.

Many cinemas in the south-west feature sold-out all-night marathons of Chuck Norris' Total Gym infomercials.

Chuck Norris is the only man that is allowed to have his cell phone on in a hospital, because he is the one that puts people in the hospital

Chuck Norris drugged Bill Cosby. Cosby woke up nine hours later in front of his computer, where he realized he just told the net to meme him.

A groundhog never sees its shadow. It is the shadow of Chuck Norris. You know the rest.

When Chuck Norris watches SpongeBob SquarePants, SpongeBob doesn't laugh.

Chuck Norris won the 2014 Pulitzer Prize for his 874 page short story called "Me, Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris promptly killed Video for killing the Radio Star.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can correctly pronounce emotocons.

Chuck Norris can benchpress over 400-with his abs.

Chuck Norris' middle name is 'Eywa'.

CHUCK NORRIS GAVE TO CHARITY...charity gave back.

The term 'fracking' can also be used to describe Chuck Norris urinating through solid rock.

Chuck Norris doesn't look for religious guidance, religious guidance looks for him

Chuck Norris declared checkmate against the 2012 chess champion Viswanathan Anand in under 4 moves. Using only the boot from monopoly.

Chuck Norris' car has homicide doors

The Swine Flu got started when a pig oinked in Chuck Norris's presence.

Chuck Norris' last kid was born 10 months after his 23rd vasectomy.

Nobodies perfect... Except Chuck Norris that is.

Chuck Norris fooled The Who again.

Chuck Norris makes "smart bombs" look like a bunch of knuckleheads.

see the picture on top that has Chuck Norris' face on it? stare at it too long, and you will get a imaginary roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris eats Skylanders Toys and craps out a huge gigantic fire-breathing dragon

The rope that they made to hang Saddam Hussien was made out of Chuck Norris' beard hair. It never released its grip.

Chuck Norris does make friends with salad.

Chuck Norris knows what Scotty doesn't.

While waiting at the drive up window at the local KFC for his order of lobster thermidor, Chuck Norris chugged a gallon of Wild Turkey. When his order arrived, he barfed in the cashiers face and drove off laughing.

Strange but true: auto tune cannot improve Chuck Norris' voice or farts - he is utterly pitch perfect, or, to be more accurate, pitch perfect is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can tell the time at night with the use of a flashlight alone.

Chuck Norris can kill you with his eyebrow.

When Chuck Norris farts he dutch-ovens the world

In the original making of Scarface when Tony said "say hello to my little friend" Chuck Norris appeared. However, the director cut it out said it was too gruesome for a R rated movie.

Chuck Norris takes everything for granite.

Chuck Norris hates land mines because everytime he steps on one he has to go out buy a new pair of boots.

If Chuck Norris had signed on to be on NBC's A-Team, the team would have needed only one member.

Newton discovered gravity beacause Chuck Norris threw an apple at him

"Let bygones be bygones" is always subject to Chuck Norris' approval.

Slender Man used to be morbidly obese before his Chuck Norris beatdown.

Chuck Norris loves how the harvest moon glistens upon hunted flesh.

Every episode of Fear Factor is based off what Chuck Norris did last weekend.

When Chuck Norris was only 3 months old, his mother swam nude through the Okefenokee Swamp just so he could learn how to suckle blood from leaches.

Chuck Norris does not ask when stores open. Store managers ask "Mr Norris, when would you like us to open".

Thanks to Chuck Norris, the astrological sign 'Virgo' will now have to be renamed 'Pregno'.

Jack Bauer needs 24 hours to save the day. Chuck Norris needs 24 minutes.

Chuck Norris endorsed Ted Cruz for President, thus singlehandedly ending the need to hold elections forever...

Steve Jobs recently rickrolled Chuck Norris.